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2020.06.09 23:27 fractalfay This is something that sense cannot take: Recap of BT90D Tell-All, part 1 AND 2

Welcome to the 90DF tell-all, where bitchy friends are summoned to pontificate on a romance that never happened, the invisibility potion finally worked on Geoffrey, Darcey cosplays as Donatella Versace, David is introduced amidst an assortment of juices, Ed is sweaty in his own temperature-controlled home, and Tom is sipping champagne from a flute in case we forgot he’s pretentious. Let’s dialog, shall we?
Shaun: Welcome to the tell all, and thank my lucky pandemic that I get to be far away from these people. Hi Yolanda, how are you?
Yolanda: I was in a coma!
Shaun: I was expecting “fine” or “good,” but I have a wow or two to spare. Did you have COVID-19?
Yolanda: No, I got this in December, and that’s the 12th month, not the 19th.
Steph: I believe I have dibs on the illness subplot, YOU NARCISSIST.
Yolanda: What? Williams, is that you? (Shakes phone.) How is Manchester?
Shaun: Where do I begin?
Avery: Journey.
Ash: Yes, okay. Let’s journey.
Avery: Red flags. Process.
Shaun: Can I use “knife in the heart” or is that too much?
Ash: Knife in the heart, yes. Now I will make a soulful expression.
Avery: You lied to my face!
Shaun: How did he lie?
Avery: I went on a diet. I don’t believe he was ever truly keto.
Ash: I took a picture of my lemon ginger drink!
Avery: I TOLD YOU LEMON HAS CARBS.
Lisa: This is petty, and I KNOW petty.
Avery: Sit down 70% attractive. Dude is a liar.
Ash: I have percentages, like you stole 110% of my energy, which left me without the strength to buy flowers for my next girlfriend, okay.
Lisa: Don’t sweat the small stuff. Sweat the big stuff, like a heart-shaped emoji on instagram.
Shaun: Is he still the best sex, because I’ve got some DMs to drop…
Ash: Yes, we should return to this.
Avery: Um. Yes.
Shaun: Interesting. Let’s put a pin in that.
Ash: I was going to ask for her hand. But I didn’t, so I’ll just add this here and hope it makes her feel bad.
Shaun: Yolanda?
Yolanda: Present!
Shaun: Just checking. Ed, how are you?
Ed: I’m way ahead of you, Shaun.
Shaun: What? We’ve brought in a douche translator, since Rose is not fluent in douche, and that’s Ed’s only language. Okay Ed, go ahead.
Ed: Shaun, this is a cell phone.
David: I have one of those.
Ed: This is a cell phone, Shaun.
Shaun: Okay.
Translator: Rose, that is a cell phone being held by a douchebag.
Ed: She wanted me back, and for me to come see her. I was wiling to give up my life and my daughter to go back to the fill-a-peens.
Rose: He always forget I dump him.
Ed: Again, do you see this cell phone? YOU WERE WITH A WOMAN.
Rose: Yes, we were broken up. Dating someone else is what happen next.
Ed: A-HA! I KNEW IT! And a WOMAN. No offense or anything, but A WOMAN.
Translator: He has a problem with you being bisexual, and problems in general.
Stephanie: I mean, I really am bisexual, but go ahead and make it all about you, Rose, SELFISH! EGOTISTICAL!
Ed: LOOK AT THIS PHONE STEPHANIE.
Danielle: You need a binder for evidence. I’m just saying.
Rose: He wanted a second chance.
Ed: This is absurd. It’s preposterous that a man about town such as myself would be reduced to longing for an attractive 20-something way out of my league.
Shaun: Let’s bring Ed’s daughter Tiffany out so we can see if she’s as detached from reality as her father.
Tiffany: Hi Shaun, I really am. My dad just said he would ditch me for Rose (again) on national television. Can we pretend I’m not 30?
Shaun: Sure, why not?
Ed: If I squeeze my cheeks my eyes squirt water, and then sympathies happen.
Translator: Ed apologizes by making people feel sorry for him so they protect him like a child.
Ed: I’ve learned my lesson.
Translator: No he hasn’t.
Shaun: Tiffany, do you have any questions for Rose? $50 bonus if you can phrase it like a pointless accusation.
Tiffany: Yes, I’d like to inexplicably attack Rose now.
Rose: Well...
Tiffany: Don’t take a tone with me!
Rose: What?
Tiffany: Ooo looks like I struck a nerve.
Rose: What?
Translator: I’m sorry Rose, they are douching so fast I can barely keep up.
Tiffany: But you LIED about SO MANY THINGS. You hid so much!
Rose: He set a trap for me. I tell him I’m sad, he tries to get me to take my clothes off for money on a video call. Your dad is creep.
Tiffany: Can we not talk about his history with sexual harassment?
Ed: That’s ridiculous, which you can tell by the photos on my wall.
Shaun: Should I bring up the STD test?
Paul: You rang?
Shaun: Um. Now the hairy legs thing?
Ed: I live in Southern California, where I’m surrounded by beautiful, wealthy women who don’t want to have sex with me. I notice their legs a lot when I’m clinging to their ankles.
Rose: You embarrass me and hurt me. You are always liar.
Ed: I’ll always love you and Prince.
Angela: That’s another lie. LYING AGIN!
Shaun: Can we get the translator to explain?
Translator: Yes, what Ed means is that he wants to have sex with Rose again, and thinks that could happen if he acknowledges her child in an empty way.
Darcey: I’m really feeling what Rose is going through, because I’ve dated Jesse and Tom and been myself all my life.
Tom: What was that, fatty?
Darcey: Ed, you’ve got to stop chipping away at her.
Ed: I’m going to try and make it about her lying, because no one saw this season!
Darcey: You lied about wanting kids, you asshole.
Avery: Let me open up my book of reflective listening. Ed, have you struggled to communicate with people all your life?
Ed: Yes, but it’s everyone else.
Avery: Can you hold these two electrodes in your hands? This is called “auditing” and is a really important part of —
Darcey: I have a magic barrette that will grant you three wishes.
Rose: Yes, I will take that please.
Ed: I lied about my height. I’m going to pretend that’s it.
Baby Girl Lisa: TAG ME IN TAG ME IN! I’m coming for you, Ed.
Big Ed: I’m too dumb to hide!
BGL: You used that poor soul. You’ve cut your own throat with American women.
Ed: Was that a throat joke?
Tom: I’ve got a fat joke.
BGL: There isn’t an American woman alive you’re going to be dating. I’ve got 50 mens who want to marry me and 300 Yahoo boys on hold.
Usman: Yes, I have heard these numbers.
Ed: I’m going to deflect and make this about Lisa having unprotected sex.
Shaun: I’m asleep.
BGL: LISTEN TO ME, ED. Let me tell you something, before any hotdog gets tossed down my hallway I check what is tucked in the bun!
Tom: I’m drunk!
David: Ed didn’t go over there to get married. He went over there for ass.
Ed: Don’t you fact at me!
Shaun: Let’s move on. This may come as a surprise to some of our viewers at home, but there is some debate over whether Williams is British.
Everyone: No there isn’t.
Yolanda: He sounds like Usman! I didn’t know Usman was from Manchester! Do you know Williams?
Shaun: What were you thinking when you weren’t thinking?
Yolanda: Thinking went right into my DMs on the Instagram.
David: Social media is a scam. Only trust paid apps. I’m proof of that.
Shaun: Cara, are you okay?
Cara: That’s a nope from me, Shaun.
Shaun: Lets bring in Scott Hunter, PI, to say nothing of substance in cop voice.
Scott Hunter, PI: Yes, what we have here is a computer. Now a computer is used to log in to what Al Gore calls “the internet.” We believe the perp accessed said internet from an Internet café, which is something that is found in The Europe.
David: Man, PIs are always a waste of money.
Usman: I don’t believe this man is from Nigeria, and by that I mean not from my tribe. Definitely a different tribe. That isn’t mine, or any other tribes in Nigeria.
PI: Are you also a PI? Yolanda does not appear to have access to maps. In my world we call maps a clue. These can also be found on the internet, which is inside this computer.
BGL: Look, I am an expert. I’ve been interneting since America Online interrupted phone calls. I installed it with a series of floppy disks. Then I turned the crank and held an antennae out the window, and if lightning struck at just the right time, boom, internet.
Shaun: Have you been scammed in the past, Lisa?
Lisa: No, only in the present.
Shaun: Well Yolanda, can we have one more shot of you looking at your phone in confusion?
Yolanda: Well I’ll try to call him, but sometimes someone answers and asks why I’m calling information, and I say where’s Williams, because aren’t they supposed to know?
Usman: Let’s see if my phone is going to ring. Yes, I am killing it with the zingers tonight! Yolanda, this is something that sense cannot take. How can someone be playing you this much? And how much did I miss out on by not playing you instead?
Yolanda: IT’S RINGING! I miss him, I do.
Cara: Goddammit.
Yolanda: I didn’t give him any money…that you know about.
Cara: Power of attorney is a beautiful thing.
Shaun: Let’s takes a look at Erika and Stephanie’s shared misery.
Steph: All I know is that it isn’t my fault.
Erika: It wasn’t about the dating ap on my phone, it was about Steph’s insecurities and the shit I found on HER phone. You cut that part, you filthy editors.
Steph: That was instagram, so it doesn’t count.
Erika: Oh, it was business? It was NETWORKING? REALLY?
Steph: Whoa, I had to pause for a second to recalibrate my bullshit. This is still your fault, somehow.
Shaun: Let’s bring out Erika’s friend Jessica for some reason.
Jessica: Erika is a free spirit, and Steph is a constipated one.
Shaun: Let’s bring out Heather and Sanders, since they pretended to play tennis with Stephanie once.
Heather: ‘Scuse me, esCUSE me, yeah, I been drunking since eleven-teen, okay? BITCH. I’m who Stephanie hangs out with on Friday night when she says she’s eating cheese. So I KNOW THINGS.
Erika: I’m sure you’re used to yelling, since you’re Steph’s only friend.
Jessica: Heather let her talk. WTF is this segment about?
Heather: I’M ITALIAN! Dunna be tryin to NO! NO!
Erika: There are all these things I want to say, and I can’t say them because this drunk twat is yelling through my segment.
Sanders: Well, you can tell by my pursed lips that I’m the saucy friend. It seems like you have a lot of secrets, ERIKA.
Erika: What are my secretes?
Sanders: Oh, there’s a lot SWEETIE. How much am I living my best Mean Girls life right now?
Heather: We should start a burn book and OF COURSE MY NAME IS HEATHER! (Wine spill.)
Erika: You were not there. I gave that bitch my phone.
Sanders: I am still fighting for relevancy.
Shaun: Steph, people call you a fake bisexual.
Heather: I can’t get my face to lie right!
Steph: I get attacked for not being a certain way, and let me talk around this question.
Jessica: That’s nice, but I think everyone thinks that you’re not bisexual because it seems like you’re not into girls. You didn’t give anything a chance.
Steph: Well, I hate to bring up my illness…
Shaun: No you don’t.
Erika: When you’re dating someone, you usually act like you’re dating someone.
Stephanie: No, I was distant for your benefit.
Erika: What?
Heather: Get em off me, get em OFF ME! Fucking BEES GODDAMMIT IT.
Erika: Every time Steph, you put it back on me.
Heather: QUARANTINE AND WINE. CALLING IT FOR MY BAND NAME.
Steph: You’re scary. This is my baby voice. Doesn’t it make me sound blameless?
Ed: Trying calling yourself a dummy.
Steph: No, I’m not bad. Giggle.
Shaun: Did you see why Erika was confused about who you are?
Steph: No. She thought I was like my videos, but if you go to my youtube channel and watch more of my videos, THEN you’ll know who I am.
Translator: What Stephanie is saying is that she feels guilty for leading Erika on, and is looking for a way it’s Erika’s fault so she doesn’t have to look at herself.
Steph: WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE YOUR SERVICES ARE NO LONGER NEEDED THANK YOU!
Translator: Steph is used to yelling over opinions that don’t match her own.
Steph: WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?
Translator: I’m afraid I’m an unstoppable force, Stephanie. My douche translation doesn’t stop until the douchebaggery does. Clearly I’ll be here all day.
Steph: I thought Erika watched more of my videos than she had. Have I mentioned my youtube channel? And what’s my dad’s name?
Erika: What?
Steph: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO INTERVIEW ME AND KNOW I WANTED TO BE INTERVIEWED GAWD!
Erika: Do you see what I’ve been through?
Steph: You’re a very self-centered person, because your self doesn’t revolve around me. Egotistical, narcissistic, yes I’ve got names and I don’t know why you’re the enemy all of a sudden GAWD!
Erika: My time was wasted. Every bisexual woman in three countries is dropping into my DMs though, so that helps. Steph, can you take responsibility for anything?
Steph: No. Just go to my youtube channel this Friday to tune into my talk about narcissism. Or go to my instagram, where you’ll find my performative donation receipt so people can see how fucking humble I am! JUST GO TO MY YOUTUBE CHANNEL SHAUN IT’S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU NARCISSIST.
Shaun: Whoa, what just happened here?
Tom: Hello.
Raina: I’ll be the drunk friend now. I have signs.
Tom: I was serious about Darcey. She should know this by that text message on her birthday. Darcey: I have a revenge body EVERY REUNION.
Shaun: Why did you meet her in New York?
Tom: I wanted to see if something was still there.
Translator: He wanted to have sex with Darcey one more time. Shannon was the love of his life for exactly three weeks.
Raina: You know what I think about that? Check out this vomit emoji I’m now holding in front of my face.
Everyone: Can we have some of these to use at home? She’s got to have an Etsy…
Lisa: This makes me angry for some reason.
Shaun: Raina, is there any way we could prominently feature you in an upcoming season?
Raina: I’ll hold up both of my emoji masks for that one.
Shaun: We have a letter from Shannon. She says she thought Tom was single.
Tom: GET AVERY OFF THE SCREEN. I AM SO DRAMATIC YOU WANT ME BACK FOR ANOTHER SEASON. SAY IT SHAUN.
Shaun: Yeah, I’m not gonna say that. Now that Tom has stormed off for what will probably be two minutes, tops, Avery what happened?
Avery: Tom hit on me, and sent selective parts of my text messages to Ash.
Darcey: Yeah, he’s definitely trying to get another season.
Steph: The number one thing that turns me off is —
Ed: Air?
Lisa: Other people?
Erika: Women?
David: Massage oil?
Usman: Lisa?
Tom: I’m back, smoking and edgy.
Ash: I lied to Avery about the screenshot thing, okay. I don’t know why she thinks I’m a liar. My feelings were hurt, so everything I did was fine. Avery: This fucking guy…
Tom: Don’t get a British man angry, or I swear I’ll wrinkle this coat and keep wearing it anyway. I didn’t really ask Avery out when I asked her out, but I also asked Stephanie out because she’s hot, and Lisa out because she’s very attractive. I will do anything for another season. Anything.
Yolanda: Well why didn’t you ask me out? I’m still waiting for Williams, but he might get jealous if I were dating Harry Potter. Can you fake a British accent?
Lisa: I’m going to stand up for Tom, because other fee-males are what’s unreasonable.
Shaun: Darcey, are you going to give Tom another season?
Darcey: Fuck that, I’m moving on to my next international affair. Spin that wheel of dicks and see where it lands!
Shaun: Now Lisa, your storyline happened.
Lisa: Me and Usman didn’t break up, we just blocked each other.
Shaun: Some people would call that a breakup.
Lisa: Some people are bullheaded Shaun, and also wrong.
Ed: I’m just being honest when I say —
Lisa: WTF do you know about honesty? And what the fuck do you know about PANTS Ed?
Ed: You treated him like a goat.
Lisa: You’re the goat!
Paul: I thought I was the GOAT? Oh, you mean like, a farm animal. Right. I’ll just run back into the jungle.
Usman: This porn star I was talking to had 2.3M followers. Of course I will repost anything she says.
Shaun: Did you say something about a 2nd wife?
Usman: Yes, I would like one please.
Lisa: I knew about this. Here in the US, this person doesn’t count.
Usman: If Lisa can’t have a child, I’ll add another wife, period.
Angela: But what if she can tote it and just needs ya egg?
Lisa: This is not happening.
Usman: Why do you have male strippers on facebook if my porn star is problem?
Lisa: No, I have them running through my feed so they can advertise through the states.
Everyone: What?
Avery: Can we go back to this second wife thing? You have a hard time with emojis but you’re communal with your husband’s penis?
Lisa: Well she’s not legally a wife and would live somewhere else, so.
Shaun: Wait — Usman, you’re not planning to live in the states?
Usman: No. Do you see what is happening in your country?
Shaun: David, you poor bastard.
David: Yeah.
Shaun: You’re in tears, but I’m still smiling.
Ed: I’ve never been on a paid website that isn’t porn.
David: She still uses the website. For networking. I know she’s not scamming me.
Ed: But I define your relationship, David.
David: I can easily afford it, so gargle my balls.
Shaun: Did you find her in a catalog though?
David: Yes, I’ve been shopping for a spouse in the Ukraine for a very long time.
Shaun: What happened with the iPhone?
David: She said it slid right out of her pocket and down a sewage drain. She furiously waved her hands over the grate for minutes, before numbly surrendering to this great loss.
Ed: Now I’m going to laugh at another man’s pain.
David: Shut up before I roll you down the lane and knock down every pin with these bowling trophy guns.
Tom: Is that a fat joke? Cause I’m here for the fat jokes.
David: No, it’s a hair joke, because with all that mayo he’s going to take a lubricated journey down the center of the lane. The cleaning fees are going to be astronomical, but I can afford it.
Steph: I’M THE ONLY ONE ALLOWED TO YELL EGOTISTICAL SELFISH PEOPLE!
Ed: I’m so compassionate!
David: Yeah, I’m leaving.
Shaun: Let’s randomly bring out Cesar, who everyone knows is an actor.
Cesar: Sure, I have opinions.
Erika: I couldn’t say anything I wanted to say, but you have time for Cesar?
David: Yeah, I talked to Maria for about 30 minutes about five years ago. I’ve talked to over a thousand women on that site. You see, that’s how chatting on the internet works.
Stephanie: Look, women over there are cold. I know, because I’m from over there.
David: We are not together right now, but we are still engaged. Right now is not the future, and also she still has my ring.
Cara: Can you ask my mom out? She doesn’t know how to use an iPhone, either.
Yolanda: Seven years? Are you saying I could talk to Williams for that long without ever seeing him?
Cara: No mom, NO!
Shaun: Thanks everyone for participating! I’m sure we’ll see most of you on a forthcoming season of Happily Ever After.
Thank you, Patreon supporters!
submitted by fractalfay to u/fractalfay [link] [comments]


2020.06.09 23:27 fractalfay This is something that sense cannot take: Recap of BT90D Tell All, Parts 1 AND 2

Welcome to the 90DF tell-all, where bitchy friends are summoned to pontificate on a romance that never happened, the invisibility potion finally worked on Geoffrey, Darcey cosplays as Donatella Versace, David is introduced amidst an assortment of juices, Ed is sweaty in his own temperature-controlled home, and Tom is sipping champagne from a flute in case we forgot he’s pretentious. Let’s dialog, shall we?
Shaun: Welcome to the tell all, and thank my lucky pandemic that I get to be far away from these people. Hi Yolanda, how are you?
Yolanda: I was in a coma!
Shaun: I was expecting “fine” or “good,” but I have a wow or two to spare. Did you have COVID-19?
Yolanda: No, I got this in December, and that’s the 12th month, not the 19th.
Steph: I believe I have dibs on the illness subplot, YOU NARCISSIST.
Yolanda: What? Williams, is that you? (Shakes phone.) How is Manchester?
Shaun: Where do I begin?
Avery: Journey.
Ash: Yes, okay. Let’s journey.
Avery: Red flags. Process.
Shaun: Can I use “knife in the heart” or is that too much?
Ash: Knife in the heart, yes. Now I will make a soulful expression.
Avery: You lied to my face!
Shaun: How did he lie?
Avery: I went on a diet. I don’t believe he was ever truly keto.
Ash: I took a picture of my lemon ginger drink!
Avery: I TOLD YOU LEMON HAS CARBS.
Lisa: This is petty, and I KNOW petty.
Avery: Sit down 70% attractive. Dude is a liar.
Ash: I have percentages, like you stole 110% of my energy, which left me without the strength to buy flowers for my next girlfriend, okay.
Lisa: Don’t sweat the small stuff. Sweat the big stuff, like a heart-shaped emoji on instagram.
Shaun: Is he still the best sex, because I’ve got some DMs to drop…
Ash: Yes, we should return to this.
Avery: Um. Yes.
Shaun: Interesting. Let’s put a pin in that.
Ash: I was going to ask for her hand. But I didn’t, so I’ll just add this here and hope it makes her feel bad.
Shaun: Yolanda?
Yolanda: Present!
Shaun: Just checking. Ed, how are you?
Ed: I’m way ahead of you, Shaun.
Shaun: What? We’ve brought in a douche translator, since Rose is not fluent in douche, and that’s Ed’s only language. Okay Ed, go ahead.
Ed: Shaun, this is a cell phone.
David: I have one of those.
Ed: This is a cell phone, Shaun.
Shaun: Okay.
Translator: Rose, that is a cell phone being held by a douchebag.
Ed: She wanted me back, and for me to come see her. I was wiling to give up my life and my daughter to go back to the fill-a-peens.
Rose: He always forget I dump him.
Ed: Again, do you see this cell phone? YOU WERE WITH A WOMAN.
Rose: Yes, we were broken up. Dating someone else is what happen next.
Ed: A-HA! I KNEW IT! And a WOMAN. No offense or anything, but A WOMAN.
Translator: He has a problem with you being bisexual, and problems in general.
Stephanie: I mean, I really am bisexual, but go ahead and make it all about you, Rose, SELFISH! EGOTISTICAL!
Ed: LOOK AT THIS PHONE STEPHANIE.
Danielle: You need a binder for evidence. I’m just saying.
Rose: He wanted a second chance.
Ed: This is absurd. It’s preposterous that a man about town such as myself would be reduced to longing for an attractive 20-something way out of my league.
Shaun: Let’s bring Ed’s daughter Tiffany out so we can see if she’s as detached from reality as her father.
Tiffany: Hi Shaun, I really am. My dad just said he would ditch me for Rose (again) on national television. Can we pretend I’m not 30?
Shaun: Sure, why not?
Ed: If I squeeze my cheeks my eyes squirt water, and then sympathies happen.
Translator: Ed apologizes by making people feel sorry for him so they protect him like a child.
Ed: I’ve learned my lesson.
Translator: No he hasn’t.
Shaun: Tiffany, do you have any questions for Rose? $50 bonus if you can phrase it like a pointless accusation.
Tiffany: Yes, I’d like to inexplicably attack Rose now.
Rose: Well...
Tiffany: Don’t take a tone with me!
Rose: What?
Tiffany: Ooo looks like I struck a nerve.
Rose: What?
Translator: I’m sorry Rose, they are douching so fast I can barely keep up.
Tiffany: But you LIED about SO MANY THINGS. You hid so much!
Rose: He set a trap for me. I tell him I’m sad, he tries to get me to take my clothes off for money on a video call. Your dad is creep.
Tiffany: Can we not talk about his history with sexual harassment?
Ed: That’s ridiculous, which you can tell by the photos on my wall.
Shaun: Should I bring up the STD test?
Paul: You rang?
Shaun: Um. Now the hairy legs thing?
Ed: I live in Southern California, where I’m surrounded by beautiful, wealthy women who don’t want to have sex with me. I notice their legs a lot when I’m clinging to their ankles.
Rose: You embarrass me and hurt me. You are always liar.
Ed: I’ll always love you and Prince.
Angela: That’s another lie. LYING AGIN!
Shaun: Can we get the translator to explain?
Translator: Yes, what Ed means is that he wants to have sex with Rose again, and thinks that could happen if he acknowledges her child in an empty way.
Darcey: I’m really feeling what Rose is going through, because I’ve dated Jesse and Tom and been myself all my life.
Tom: What was that, fatty?
Darcey: Ed, you’ve got to stop chipping away at her.
Ed: I’m going to try and make it about her lying, because no one saw this season!
Darcey: You lied about wanting kids, you asshole.
Avery: Let me open up my book of reflective listening. Ed, have you struggled to communicate with people all your life?
Ed: Yes, but it’s everyone else.
Avery: Can you hold these two electrodes in your hands? This is called “auditing” and is a really important part of —
Darcey: I have a magic barrette that will grant you three wishes.
Rose: Yes, I will take that please.
Ed: I lied about my height. I’m going to pretend that’s it.
Baby Girl Lisa: TAG ME IN TAG ME IN! I’m coming for you, Ed.
Big Ed: I’m too dumb to hide!
BGL: You used that poor soul. You’ve cut your own throat with American women.
Ed: Was that a throat joke?
Tom: I’ve got a fat joke.
BGL: There isn’t an American woman alive you’re going to be dating. I’ve got 50 mens who want to marry me and 300 Yahoo boys on hold.
Usman: Yes, I have heard these numbers.
Ed: I’m going to deflect and make this about Lisa having unprotected sex.
Shaun: I’m asleep.
BGL: LISTEN TO ME, ED. Let me tell you something, before any hotdog gets tossed down my hallway I check what is tucked in the bun!
Tom: I’m drunk!
David: Ed didn’t go over there to get married. He went over there for ass.
Ed: Don’t you fact at me!
Shaun: Let’s move on. This may come as a surprise to some of our viewers at home, but there is some debate over whether Williams is British.
Everyone: No there isn’t.
Yolanda: He sounds like Usman! I didn’t know Usman was from Manchester! Do you know Williams?
Shaun: What were you thinking when you weren’t thinking?
Yolanda: Thinking went right into my DMs on the Instagram.
David: Social media is a scam. Only trust paid apps. I’m proof of that.
Shaun: Cara, are you okay?
Cara: That’s a nope from me, Shaun.
Shaun: Lets bring in Scott Hunter, PI, to say nothing of substance in cop voice.
Scott Hunter, PI: Yes, what we have here is a computer. Now a computer is used to log in to what Al Gore calls “the internet.” We believe the perp accessed said internet from an Internet café, which is something that is found in The Europe.
David: Man, PIs are always a waste of money.
Usman: I don’t believe this man is from Nigeria, and by that I mean not from my tribe. Definitely a different tribe. That isn’t mine, or any other tribes in Nigeria.
PI: Are you also a PI? Yolanda does not appear to have access to maps. In my world we call maps a clue. These can also be found on the internet, which is inside this computer.
BGL: Look, I am an expert. I’ve been interneting since America Online interrupted phone calls. I installed it with a series of floppy disks. Then I turned the crank and held an antennae out the window, and if lightning struck at just the right time, boom, internet.
Shaun: Have you been scammed in the past, Lisa?
Lisa: No, only in the present.
Shaun: Well Yolanda, can we have one more shot of you looking at your phone in confusion?
Yolanda: Well I’ll try to call him, but sometimes someone answers and asks why I’m calling information, and I say where’s Williams, because aren’t they supposed to know?
Usman: Let’s see if my phone is going to ring. Yes, I am killing it with the zingers tonight! Yolanda, this is something that sense cannot take. How can someone be playing you this much? And how much did I miss out on by not playing you instead?
Yolanda: IT’S RINGING! I miss him, I do.
Cara: Goddammit.
Yolanda: I didn’t give him any money…that you know about.
Cara: Power of attorney is a beautiful thing.
Shaun: Let’s takes a look at Erika and Stephanie’s shared misery.
Steph: All I know is that it isn’t my fault.
Erika: It wasn’t about the dating ap on my phone, it was about Steph’s insecurities and the shit I found on HER phone. You cut that part, you filthy editors.
Steph: That was instagram, so it doesn’t count.
Erika: Oh, it was business? It was NETWORKING? REALLY?
Steph: Whoa, I had to pause for a second to recalibrate my bullshit. This is still your fault, somehow.
Shaun: Let’s bring out Erika’s friend Jessica for some reason.
Jessica: Erika is a free spirit, and Steph is a constipated one.
Shaun: Let’s bring out Heather and Sanders, since they pretended to play tennis with Stephanie once.
Heather: ‘Scuse me, esCUSE me, yeah, I been drunking since eleven-teen, okay? BITCH. I’m who Stephanie hangs out with on Friday night when she says she’s eating cheese. So I KNOW THINGS.
Erika: I’m sure you’re used to yelling, since you’re Steph’s only friend.
Jessica: Heather let her talk. WTF is this segment about?
Heather: I’M ITALIAN! Dunna be tryin to NO! NO!
Erika: There are all these things I want to say, and I can’t say them because this drunk twat is yelling through my segment.
Sanders: Well, you can tell by my pursed lips that I’m the saucy friend. It seems like you have a lot of secrets, ERIKA.
Erika: What are my secretes?
Sanders: Oh, there’s a lot SWEETIE. How much am I living my best Mean Girls life right now?
Heather: We should start a burn book and OF COURSE MY NAME IS HEATHER! (Wine spill.)
Erika: You were not there. I gave that bitch my phone.
Sanders: I am still fighting for relevancy.
Shaun: Steph, people call you a fake bisexual.
Heather: I can’t get my face to lie right!
Steph: I get attacked for not being a certain way, and let me talk around this question.
Jessica: That’s nice, but I think everyone thinks that you’re not bisexual because it seems like you’re not into girls. You didn’t give anything a chance.
Steph: Well, I hate to bring up my illness…
Shaun: No you don’t.
Erika: When you’re dating someone, you usually act like you’re dating someone.
Stephanie: No, I was distant for your benefit.
Erika: What?
Heather: Get em off me, get em OFF ME! Fucking BEES GODDAMMIT IT.
Erika: Every time Steph, you put it back on me.
Heather: QUARANTINE AND WINE. CALLING IT FOR MY BAND NAME.
Steph: You’re scary. This is my baby voice. Doesn’t it make me sound blameless?
Ed: Trying calling yourself a dummy.
Steph: No, I’m not bad. Giggle.
Shaun: Did you see why Erika was confused about who you are?
Steph: No. She thought I was like my videos, but if you go to my youtube channel and watch more of my videos, THEN you’ll know who I am.
Translator: What Stephanie is saying is that she feels guilty for leading Erika on, and is looking for a way it’s Erika’s fault so she doesn’t have to look at herself.
Steph: WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE YOUR SERVICES ARE NO LONGER NEEDED THANK YOU!
Translator: Steph is used to yelling over opinions that don’t match her own.
Steph: WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?
Translator: I’m afraid I’m an unstoppable force, Stephanie. My douche translation doesn’t stop until the douchebaggery does. Clearly I’ll be here all day.
Steph: I thought Erika watched more of my videos than she had. Have I mentioned my youtube channel? And what’s my dad’s name?
Erika: What?
Steph: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO INTERVIEW ME AND KNOW I WANTED TO BE INTERVIEWED GAWD!
Erika: Do you see what I’ve been through?
Steph: You’re a very self-centered person, because your self doesn’t revolve around me. Egotistical, narcissistic, yes I’ve got names and I don’t know why you’re the enemy all of a sudden GAWD!
Erika: My time was wasted. Every bisexual woman in three countries is dropping into my DMs though, so that helps. Steph, can you take responsibility for anything?
Steph: No. Just go to my youtube channel this Friday to tune into my talk about narcissism. Or go to my instagram, where you’ll find my performative donation receipt so people can see how fucking humble I am! JUST GO TO MY YOUTUBE CHANNEL SHAUN IT’S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU NARCISSIST.
Shaun: Whoa, what just happened here?
Tom: Hello.
Raina: I’ll be the drunk friend now. I have signs.
Tom: I was serious about Darcey. She should know this by that text message on her birthday. Darcey: I have a revenge body EVERY REUNION.
Shaun: Why did you meet her in New York?
Tom: I wanted to see if something was still there.
Translator: He wanted to have sex with Darcey one more time. Shannon was the love of his life for exactly three weeks.
Raina: You know what I think about that? Check out this vomit emoji I’m now holding in front of my face.
Everyone: Can we have some of these to use at home? She’s got to have an Etsy…
Lisa: This makes me angry for some reason.
Shaun: Raina, is there any way we could prominently feature you in an upcoming season?
Raina: I’ll hold up both of my emoji masks for that one.
Shaun: We have a letter from Shannon. She says she thought Tom was single.
Tom: GET AVERY OFF THE SCREEN. I AM SO DRAMATIC YOU WANT ME BACK FOR ANOTHER SEASON. SAY IT SHAUN.
Shaun: Yeah, I’m not gonna say that. Now that Tom has stormed off for what will probably be two minutes, tops, Avery what happened?
Avery: Tom hit on me, and sent selective parts of my text messages to Ash.
Darcey: Yeah, he’s definitely trying to get another season.
Steph: The number one thing that turns me off is —
Ed: Air?
Lisa: Other people?
Erika: Women?
David: Massage oil?
Usman: Lisa?
Tom: I’m back, smoking and edgy.
Ash: I lied to Avery about the screenshot thing, okay. I don’t know why she thinks I’m a liar. My feelings were hurt, so everything I did was fine. Avery: This fucking guy…
Tom: Don’t get a British man angry, or I swear I’ll wrinkle this coat and keep wearing it anyway. I didn’t really ask Avery out when I asked her out, but I also asked Stephanie out because she’s hot, and Lisa out because she’s very attractive. I will do anything for another season. Anything.
Yolanda: Well why didn’t you ask me out? I’m still waiting for Williams, but he might get jealous if I were dating Harry Potter. Can you fake a British accent?
Lisa: I’m going to stand up for Tom, because other fee-males are what’s unreasonable.
Shaun: Darcey, are you going to give Tom another season?
Darcey: Fuck that, I’m moving on to my next international affair. Spin that wheel of dicks and see where it lands!
Shaun: Now Lisa, your storyline happened.
Lisa: Me and Usman didn’t break up, we just blocked each other.
Shaun: Some people would call that a breakup.
Lisa: Some people are bullheaded Shaun, and also wrong.
Ed: I’m just being honest when I say —
Lisa: WTF do you know about honesty? And what the fuck do you know about PANTS Ed?
Ed: You treated him like a goat.
Lisa: You’re the goat!
Paul: I thought I was the GOAT? Oh, you mean like, a farm animal. Right. I’ll just run back into the jungle.
Usman: This porn star I was talking to had 2.3M followers. Of course I will repost anything she says.
Shaun: Did you say something about a 2nd wife?
Usman: Yes, I would like one please.
Lisa: I knew about this. Here in the US, this person doesn’t count.
Usman: If Lisa can’t have a child, I’ll add another wife, period.
Angela: But what if she can tote it and just needs ya egg?
Lisa: This is not happening.
Usman: Why do you have male strippers on facebook if my porn star is problem?
Lisa: No, I have them running through my feed so they can advertise through the states.
Everyone: What?
Avery: Can we go back to this second wife thing? You have a hard time with emojis but you’re communal with your husband’s penis?
Lisa: Well she’s not legally a wife and would live somewhere else, so.
Shaun: Wait — Usman, you’re not planning to live in the states?
Usman: No. Do you see what is happening in your country?
Shaun: David, you poor bastard.
David: Yeah.
Shaun: You’re in tears, but I’m still smiling.
Ed: I’ve never been on a paid website that isn’t porn.
David: She still uses the website. For networking. I know she’s not scamming me.
Ed: But I define your relationship, David.
David: I can easily afford it, so gargle my balls.
Shaun: Did you find her in a catalog though?
David: Yes, I’ve been shopping for a spouse in the Ukraine for a very long time.
Shaun: What happened with the iPhone?
David: She said it slid right out of her pocket and down a sewage drain. She furiously waved her hands over the grate for minutes, before numbly surrendering to this great loss.
Ed: Now I’m going to laugh at another man’s pain.
David: Shut up before I roll you down the lane and knock down every pin with these bowling trophy guns.
Tom: Is that a fat joke? Cause I’m here for the fat jokes.
David: No, it’s a hair joke, because with all that mayo he’s going to take a lubricated journey down the center of the lane. The cleaning fees are going to be astronomical, but I can afford it.
Steph: I’M THE ONLY ONE ALLOWED TO YELL EGOTISTICAL SELFISH PEOPLE!
Ed: I’m so compassionate!
David: Yeah, I’m leaving.
Shaun: Let’s randomly bring out Cesar, who everyone knows is an actor.
Cesar: Sure, I have opinions.
Erika: I couldn’t say anything I wanted to say, but you have time for Cesar?
David: Yeah, I talked to Maria for about 30 minutes about five years ago. I’ve talked to over a thousand women on that site. You see, that’s how chatting on the internet works.
Stephanie: Look, women over there are cold. I know, because I’m from over there.
David: We are not together right now, but we are still engaged. Right now is not the future, and also she still has my ring.
Cara: Can you ask my mom out? She doesn’t know how to use an iPhone, either.
Yolanda: Seven years? Are you saying I could talk to Williams for that long without ever seeing him?
Cara: No mom, NO!
Shaun: Thanks everyone for participating! I’m sure we’ll see most of you on a forthcoming season of Happily Ever After.
Thank you, Patreon supporters!
submitted by fractalfay to 90dayfianceuncensored [link] [comments]


2020.05.14 13:14 we-feed-the-fire By request: My Recap of the Leaked Tell-All video.

A slow descent into madness: an exhaustive recap of the tell all leak
Supposedly the leaked video (clocking in at 10+ hours) was the second day filming.
I watched the entire thing. This is a rambling list of the thoughts going through my mind while watching, and a fairly comprehensive timeline / summary of events, or at least the juiciest parts. I believe it becomes fairly obvious when my mental state started to decline - I was well into the 5th hour by then.
Part 1: David
The show begins an hour into the video.
A lot of time was spent on David. Asking David the same questions, hoping he’d get a clue. Instead he doubled down on his delusion.
David started in this endeavor by going on two trips with a friend over 20 years ago. He states he did not like it - 25 guys meeting 400 women in a big bar. He said it was horrible - he called the women aggressive and professional daters. He went on another trip with 10 guys meeting maybe 40 women in different cities. He describes receiving catalogs of women and selecting specific ones to meet on the trip. A friend he met on one of these trips introduced him to a web site in 2007.
Lana does not work for the web site or get paid. According to David, the web sites are US sites, they contract through the agency that vets the “girls”. He insists Lana derives no income from the web site or agency. It’s illegal for him to contact her directly? He pays in order to not be scammed.
He has known Lana for 7 years. She was too young at the start - he won’t “date” anyone under 25. He wasn’t talking to Lana for 2.5 years. He’s “dated” 30 girls in Ukraine when he wasn’t talking to Lana. He’s been to Ukraine 20 times. He’s been engaged twice to women over there (and twice in America.)
David says Lana is very poor. Has very few clothes and possessions. She only has five pairs of shoes and gets a new pair of sneakers every 3 years or so. She doesn’t speak English. He bought her an iPhone to talk directly but she doesn’t like the keyboard because of her long fingernails. She can’t talk directly to him on the computer because the agency owns the laptop and monitors activity.
He’s spent $250,000 to $300,000 on “dating” on these sites. He claims he’s a millionaire so the money is no object.
Friends of David appear, say their piece, then disappear.
Cesar appears. David had talked to Maria years ago. Said she was high maintenance.
Yolanda and Usman join in. Usman has poor connection. Usman leaves.
A wild Tom appears. Tom compliments Yolanda’s weight loss. Says he’s not hitting on her, just complimenting her.
Tom doesn’t watch much of the show. Says David is his “fast forward couple”.
Cesar says he visited Maria. Maria wasn’t happy he showed up. But she met him, they took photos, she asked to see his phone and he realized later she deleted the photos. They spent 10 days together, he got a couple of pecks on the cheek and lips? But no intimacy. Specified no tongue. Maria was “pissed off” that he showed up, refused to meet Cesar if the cameras were there. Wanted him to buy her a $500 pair of shoes and $300 dinner.
Tom asks if he packed the chocolate panties. Cesar said he took the beaded candy ones.
Yolanda said Cesar DMd her and left his phone number. Cesar says Yolanda is beautiful and that he “loves chocolate” with a Pervy laugh. But he says he was just reaching out as friends. Shaun asks Cesar if he DMs Tom. Tom confirms that he did, and that the alumni reach out to each other.
Shaun asks Yolanda if she would date Cesar, she replies with an emphatic no.
David went back to Ukraine and met Lana. They kissed, no other intimacy. He proposed, she accepted (they show clips.) Lana is still on the dating sites. David is still on the dating sites because Lana is. Lana is still on the site because that’s where her only friends are, David basically describes her as a shut in with no friends.
At one point later in the show he drops the bombshell “love has nothing to do with it.”
Ed appears. He’s holding Teddy (against the dog’s will) on his lap. Ed shouts into his mic. He yells repeatedly about David being scammed for the better part of 18 minutes.
David gets excitable. Yells about this being bullshit. Yells at Tom that Darcey was still talking to other guys.
The current status of the relationship? David thinks they’re not together. He hasn’t communicated with Lana in 6 days. But their engagement hasn’t been broken. So they’re engaged but no longer together?
Lana refuses to participate because she’s getting hate mail from guys who have seen the show accusing her of being a scammer.
Stephanie appears.
Stephanie says she thinks it’s disgusting that Lana is being discussed like she’s a commodity. Points out that their relationship is transactional. David and Ed are screaming at each other over her. Stephanie Commends David for not worrying about spending $100,000 while Ed freaked out about spending $2.
A clip of David proposing to Lana with a prop fake ring shows. David says the jeweler advises not buying a real diamond because he didn’t know her ring size. Says she wants to choose her own ring.
Return to Ed and David arguing.
Usman appears.
David is getting heated.
Bottom Line: David’s retiring to move to Ukraine, but started the K1 process.
Shaun wraps the segment with David still arguing at the 3-hour mark. Shaun leaves (possibly to drink heavily - I would be if I was her.) I forgot to note that at some point Tom made a remark to Ed about him not being able to see his toes. It was a joke, but went completely missed by everyone else.
David, Ed, Stephanie and Usman chit chat. Usman sings a bit.
Part 2: Yolanda
We resume at 3:30 with Yolanda.
Yolanda had the flu at the beginning of December. She was in a coma for a month and was on a ventilator for 3 weeks. Her kidneys and liver were failing. Her doctor now believes she had Covid-19.
She did not hear from Williams during that time. She heard from him just a couple of months ago. She didn’t tell him about her coma, he was talking about his aunt dying so it “didn’t come up.”
He didn’t reach out directly, he went through “sweetberry” (?) on Instagram to ask if he could contact her again.
Yolanda’s daughter and a PI the daughter hired join in. PI says the accounts have ties to Nigerian scammers.
Usman joins. He knows nothing about Nigerian scammers, doubts they’re Nigerian.
Usman leaves. Darcey joins. She’s wearing a platinum blonde wig, primping a bit, trying to center herself on the bed she’s sitting on. She’s nodding along to absolutely nothing, shaking her head and smiling periodically like she’s involved in a totally different conversation than we are seeing.
Daughter and PI leave. Shaun asks Darcey what she thinks about Yolanda and Williams. Darcey goes into a spiel about being a target and people on IG preying on her. Starts talking about Jesse and Tom. Says she spent a lot of money on Jesse, says she helped Tom financially and bought him clothes and gifts. Goes into a tangent of non-specific items, won’t provide a direct answer on how much she spent but finally claims she spent $2000 on Tom.
Erika appears.
Shaun tries to get back on the topic of Yolanda and Willams. Shaun asks Erika about her opinion on The Williams mystery IG account and the blackmail.
Darcey uses that opportunity to talk about being targeted by a “network of people” that was calculated by “people in different countries to target certain people around the world.”
“Maybe Nigeria was a part of it, Maybe England was a part of it”. After Tom, Darcey says she met someone who targeted her, says it was a couple she knew and Tom was a part of it, says IP addresses traced to Nottingham and there’s a network of people targeting women around the world.
Darcey claims her second time in Amsterdam she was robbed while shopping after Jesse told her to leave her passport if she was going out shopping. Later says pickpocketed. Implies that the robbery was a setup by Jesse.
Shaun tries to redirect the subject back to Yolanda and Williams.
Lisa appears.
Lisa jumps right in with her expertise about Yahoo Boys, G-Men and grooming people. Darcey drops off and Usman reappears.
Lisa’s gravelly voice takes on a fake Nigerian accent as they yell “baby love” at each other.
Lisa goes on about her social media expertise. Explains the three different cultures of Nigeria. She tells Yolanda to join the Facebook Group SSA: Scamming Scammers Action that Lisa is a big part of.
They convince Yolanda to try to call Williams on speakerphone. No answer.
Lisa is also an expert in African and Nigerian accents FYI.
Erika leaves. David reappears.
Lisa dominates the conversation. Keeps recounting conversations and events of hackings and stuff.
Lisa starts talking about Blood Rituals. Sacrifices. Money rituals. Voodoo dolls. Kidnappings. Killing people to bring luck in scamming people. They believe in black magic and juju. Lisa and Usman keep interrupting each other. Usman has never heard of this. Lisa insists this is real. Go to SSA on Facebook, all the proof is there.
Yolanda, David and Shaun are stunned silent.
Usman is trying to fact check Lisa’s completely far-fetched theories. Lisa purses her beak.
Finally, Shaun redirects.
Yolanda says she’s done. If she hears from Williams again she’s done.
Yolanda is getting DMs all the time offering to FaceTime her. David tells her to go get her Groove back in Jamaica. Yolanda and David both get DMs encouraging them to hook up since they’re both in Vegas.
We are 5 hours 10 minutes in. Let’s see a clip! We see Lana before she met David. She’s at the gym. She’s walking around Kiev in a silver puffer jacket and Nikes. She using her iPhone (with her short nails) to take pictures. She’s shopping for makeup. She’s sipping a latte in a cafe while typing on her laptop. She’s talking to a friend on her iPhone. She talks about America. She knows that you can get married quickly in Las Vegas. She tells her friend she has an exciting day tomorrow “I’m meeting an American.” Her friend asks if he’s wealthy.
Shaun points out the inconsistencies in Lana’s apparent poverty and David’s understanding of her circumstances. David says “that’s not real”.
We spent the next 10 minutes or so with Yolanda, Usman, Lisa and Shaun trying to talk some sense into David. It doesn’t work.
Shaun leaves for a break.
Ash appears. We spend the next while discussing quarantine. Ash hadn’t heard about Yolanda being sick, his eyes get wide when he hears her coma tale.
They’re talking about lockdowns and restrictions and being able to go where you want. David thinks they’re talking about Ash being able to visit the US on his Australian passport.
Lisa’s ex-husband just got out of prison.
David lives in a rental house that’s being sold in a month.
Yolanda asks if people read their tweets.
Lisa has a stalker with 25 accounts. Lisa now has her phone number and address. She’s going to have her arrested and “put charges against her”.
David gets death threats.
Back to Yolanda and the Covid.
David leaves.
Tom returns. He asks how many bottles of lube Lisa and Usman used raw dogging it. She said none - I’m guessing she just peed on him a la Dinyell.
More R-rated banter. Lisa tells Tom to ask about Usman refusing to join the mile high club.
Ash looks stunned into silence. Maybe a bit frightened. He’s retreated to his nothing box.
Usman tries to explain about the 70%, that it’s a B and a compliment. Tom asks why she paid twice the going rate for a goat.
Lots of goat talk. Peeing goat talk. Showering the goat. Walking in sandals through mud and goat shit.
Tom makes a crack about not being the only cast members showering with animals. Ash asks about Ed showering with Rosemarie’s father? Then his feed goes out.
Lisa starts talking about gross food. Tom are goat brain in Albania. Lisa starts everything with “Usman, tell them about the time...” then just talks over him to tell the story herself.
Stephanie appears.
Ed appears.
Usman leaves. Lisa tells them about the armed convoy everywhere they went. Ed wants to know about the goat. More goat tales.
7 hour 10 minute mark.
Part 3: Lisa and Usman
Shaun is back with Lisa and Usman. We lose Usman.
Lisa had surgery.
She hurt her baby toe before going to Nigeria. Ruptured a blood vessel. It swelled up in Africa. Returned to the US with a dead/dying toe. Got infected, went gangrenous, was amputated.
Usman returns.
The next segment is insufferable.
Usman says Lisa calls him a N***** frequently. Lisa screams about opening a can of worms.
Usman asks if American women are all like this.
Lisa and Usman are married but keep blocking each other.
Lisa is Usman’s first serious relationship.
Lisa freaks out about women on Usman’s comments and in his DMs.
Says she’s seen the other girls Usman dated, they’re “3 times my size”.
They fight about Trish Playtas.
Lisa talks over Usman. Yells, curses, threatens.
Enter Giant and Aba (?) after 25 minutes of toxic bullshit.
Lisa talks about getting “gangbanged”. (I think she means ganged up on, but she’s so cringe who can tell.)
Lisa has a screaming match. Hangs up because she was “mistreated and disrespected”.
Enter Lisa’s friend Nikki.
Nikki screams about disrespect for the next forever. Lisa returns.
There’s endless raspy screeching about bitches, clowns, motherfuckers and more disrespect. Fuck you. Fuck outta here.
Shaun loses all control.
Aba and Nikki scream at each other some more.
Shaun gives up. She is writing something just below the screen. I suspect it’s her resignation letter.
Finally Shaun redirects the conversation. She brings up the polygamy.
If Lisa has an egg and can tote it, Usman doesn’t want another wife. If Lisa can’t squat and hatch Usman’s offspring, he will take another wife.
Cue Lisa’s expertise on polygamy.
Clip Roll: the night before the wedding, Lisa storms off and disrespects Usman’s brothers the night before the wedding.
Lisa cackles.
Avery and Ed appear.
Usman and Lisa keep arguing.
Shaun asks Avery’s perception. Avery asks “where is the love?” All she sees is them screaming over each other and assert themselves.
Before Lisa can respond Ed jumps in.
Lisa calls the kettle black and says Avery and Ed aren’t portrayed well.
Ed started to watch the show after he decided to be on it.
Ed compliments Usman for being calm and respectful and not using any foul words.
Lisa Cackles. Ed calls her a bull in a china shop “no disrespect”. Says he thought she was the definition of a narcissist, but says she’s actually the definition of delusional.
Lisa interrupts. Usman starts singing. Lisa and Ed scream over each other. Lisa tells Avery to shut up, says she went on Ed’s live drunk and making an ass of herself. Ed keeps screaming “delusional”. Lisa calls Avery a drunk. Avery tells Usman “not all American women are like that”, Lisa rebounds with “that’s why Ash dumped your ass.” Ed tells Usman there are many more nicer women.
Ed: she treated you like a piece of shit. She treated you like a slave.
Lisa: you are a piece of shit!
Ed: you made America Sick!
Lisa: Ed Fuck You! Fuck You!
Lisa: you abused Rose to go on this show because no fucking other woman would! You fucking used her (x 5). Shut the fuck up.
More screaming over each other.
Usman begs Ed to calm down.
Lisa: you’re going to let this fucking pervert who’s got charges for sexual harassment... you’re going to let this idiot come at me with the fucking charges he’s got? This fucking pervert has been grooming women. The women are coming out of the woodwork saying Ed has molested them, he’s groomed them, and god only knows what the fuck else he did to them.
More screaming.
Ed: the internet is fake!
Lisa: Harry (producer) remove these two right now!
Lisa calls them Thing 1 and Thing 2 and demands Harry remove them.
Ed gets cut.
Lisa continues to scream at Avery about glass houses.
Tom appears.
Usman is yelling now.
Shaun tries to gain control.
Tom: I was nervous delivering that letter to Darcey but coming in to this conversation is wild!
Shaun brings up the polygamy subject again.
Lisa might move to Nigeria for The Other Way.
Shaun disappears.
Avery drops.
Lisa says “Tom, this is all for show. It’s a dog and horse, pony show I call it.”
Tom blows smoke up her ass. His idea of love is apparently jealousy, anger and disrespect. He says it’s obvious they love each other because apparently only people truly in love can be that hateful and vicious and angry to each other.
Shaun is back. Darcey appears. Usman is singing. Darcey is swaying to Soja Boy, slurring, “do it big! Lisa, Be the queen!”
Darcey’s been in the sauce.
Usman tells Lisa to cover her bra.
More second wife talk.
Tom asks a question about what kind of second wife Usman would have. Darcey says something. Shaun asks Lisa a question. Usman freaks out and screams “Tom asked me a question, let me answer the question”. This leads to Lisa screaming at Shaun about disrespecting Usman, screams at the producer “you better tell this hostess to shut her mouth” shut up! Shut up!”
Usman keeps yelling. Shaun trying to calm everyone.
Lisa: Barb! Barb! Barb! Do you hear me? It’s time to cut her now! Barb! Cut her now! Barb! Cut the fucking thing, cut it now! She’s disrespecting Usman! Fucking stop it! Stop it barb! Fuck off!
Darcey looks like a confused bobble head.
Lisa hangs up.
Usman and Darcey talk about Trish Playtas.
Darcey: things are don’t differently in America, I’ve been in the entertainment industry way before Tom, way before Jesse.
Usman starts to explain going live with Trish.
Lisa returns.
Part 4: Wrap Ups and “where does your relationship stand?”
Shaun turns to Darcey and Tom, asks where the future of their relationship is. Lisa and Usman respond loudly, not letting them talk.
Finally, Lisa and Usman are gone.
Tom: friends maybe blah blah blah great mom, good person, wish you the best.
Darcey: my journey, my daughters, my brother who passed blah blah blah don’t want toxic negativity
Ash and Avery return: same question
Ash is worried about his hair being cut off on the screen.
Ash started the journey with the intent to propose. Says he loves her. Breaking up was the hardest thing. Future is going to be looking after his family.
Ash answers the question in a concise, straight forward manner.
Just kidding. He uses a lot of words to absolutely avoid answering anything.
Avery says this is a hard question to ask someone who just separated. She trails off. I think... I don’t... I wanted... honestly...
Erika and Stephanie return: where do you stand?
Not even friends. Can they ever be friends?
Stephanie says best case is friends from afar.
Erika says they’ve been friends and fought many many times. She came in today wanting to speak and wasn’t able to do that, but doesn’t hold any hate. It’s going to be hard to see any of this in a positive light.
Erika didn’t get a change to express that she took a big step coming out to her parents then Stephanie dumped her the next morning.
Stephanie came out to her mom too apparently, but it wasn’t like Erika’s coming out (receptive and kind).
Pick up lines:
Asking what they’ve been doing during the quarantine, will air at the beginning of the show.
(Erika makes earrings!)
Shaun has to rephrase the question to Stephanie to ask specifically about... HER ILLNESS!
Bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Yolanda wrap up: no more online dating. She’s going to meet men at the market or the casino. Old school.
Ed wrap up: who cares.
Ok. I guess we do.
Shaun asks about the shower. I just can’t listen to him anymore. Then she asks about the first night they were intimate. I’m going to barf.
Ed takes full responsibility for “not the things I did, but the way I did them”. Rose is mad at him right now. She wanted to reconcile February 9.
Ed is taking a break from dating (sorry ladies!) but Rose taught him to love again and “she didn’t destroy me like my first marriage did.”
His mom is moving in with him. But she’s a nurse so hasn’t moved in yet. Ed’s mom is a nurse caring for a young child with a tracheostomy.
Ed sucks, but a round of applause for Mother Ed is deserved.
David wrap up:
David is going to retire earlier than planned because of the recession resulting from the quarantine.
Shaun asks about the first kiss.
David says something about bowling. He bowls 4 strikes with Lana.
The girls in Ukraine love bowling but don’t get to do that. So he takes them. He bets kisses for every strike he bowls.
Lana is upset over the publicity from the show. Gets physically ill in front of the camera.
If she won’t come to the US or dumps him, he will live part time in the Ukraine - 3 months at a time - to continue dating women there.
It’s over. Thank God.
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2020.05.07 00:43 EricaShmericaOFF Before the 90 Days of Our Lives, Episode 11

Prince Joffrey & Varya: After their camping experience with Igor, the couple went to a "banya" (No, not the comedian who loves Ovaltine) a rustic looking Russian bathhouse. They put on tulip-shaped felt hats and layed down naked in the sauna while beating each other with bundles of tree branches...it was kind of like a "50 Shades of Adam and Eve" type of thing going on. When in Siberia! Next, the couple went skinny dipping in a lake behind the banya, wearing nothing but the felt dunce caps and nipple tats (luckily they go with everything). After the dip, still naked, they continued their serious conversation about their relationship and where they saw things going. Joffrey felt very positively about their connection, and Varya responded with "You dazzle me", which she was directing exclusively towards the nipple tats. After all of the banya shenanigans, we saw a fully clothed Joffrey and Varya strolling through the Siberian wilderness, drinks in hand, as they stopped at a picnic bench to discuss their relationship ups and downs. He explained that they had been through a range of emotions on this one visit, and he feels like they have such a strong connection. It was then that Joffrey got down on one knee and popped the question!! Varya's answer?? Znippletatz. To be continued....
BGL & Assman: Back on the side of the road, somewhere in Sokoto, BGL is still flipping off Assman as their power struggle continues. He tells her he's a Housa man and he needs to be in control, but BGL explains housabout you realize you're marrying an American woman, and it needs to be 50/50 (though she seems to be okay settling for his 60/40 split). Eventually they make up, and head back to the Sokoto Motor Murder Lodge to gather their belongings as it's time to move on. In the next scene we see BGL casually eating french fries with a fork in a corner of the chalet suite, as the taxi pulled up to take them to the airport. Babylove claimed to be unimpressed with Usman's hometown, as they set off on the hopefully more impressive next leg of their adventure. (It's hard to imagine how she could be unimpressed with Barney, who's hopefully still in the front yard).They made a pit stop at a gas station where Babylove reminds Sojaboytoy that he hasn't serenaded her yet for the day (I guess she requires one personally sung song/day, perks of being a momager). He performs on command, singing into his phone via selfie stick, as the hit single "I go dey for you" plays in the background while we watch them board their flight to Abuja. Once they arrived at their destination, the hopeful fiances sat down with the marriage registrar to file paperwork (hmmm this looks like a familar storyline....). The registrar informed Lisa that she would need her divorce papers in order to file for their marriage license, which was Assman's responsibility, as he was tasked with finding out what paperwork was necessary to make the Lusman wedding (their celebrity couple name) happen. ("The Lusman Wedding" sounds like a Jewish wedding that would take place in a hall in Short Hills, NJ......or Nigeria. For the guests, there is a block of rooms reserved at the Sokoto Murder Motor Lodge with complimentary shower buckets and thankfully Barney is not Kosher.) Hopefully next week we will be saying Mazel tov to the newlyweds!
Stephanie & Erika not Shmerika: After getting along for one episode, the girls decide it's time to make things facebook official and tell Erika's parents they are bisexual. Kudos to Stephanie for being one of the only cast members to bring a gift for her potential mother in law (she didn't even need to stop at a Goat market or pick weeds on the side of the road). Erika's parents Simon and Jayne seem like a lot of fun, as they chat with the girls over some Choineese food (love the accents) and ask about what they've been up to on their trip. Simon specifically asked if they had encountered any koalas or kangaroos (thank you Simon for mentioning the damn koalas). Erika explained they were having fun and then segued into the topic of Steph being her pahtnah, which her paeents seemed unphased by. After the "coming out" love fest, they were on such a roll they decided they should tell Steph's mum next. Looks like next week they are back to fighting, being uncomfortable and brightly colored outfits.
Big Egg & Rosemarie's baby: It started out as beautiful Palawanian morning, until we saw Ed and Rose in the Sheridan pool. They were playfully swimming and getting close to each other (though I could've lived the rest of my life without seeing those close up underwater shots). After pool time, they sat down so that Ed could come clean to Rose that he did not want more children. Rosemarie seemed shocked and hurt that Ed didnt want to be her baby daddy, since he has never mentioned it previously in their extensive 3 month online relationship, and she was even more confused by his description of a vasectomy. She gives him the death stare as he asks "Do you still love me?" Ed woke up the next morning, alone in his underwear, as Rosemary had run off....presumably to the continental breakfast, stuck in the line for the waffle maker. After searching, calling, and sending up the Rose signal, Ed decided to wait outside in a hot pink shirt so if Rose was in the vicinity, she couldn't miss him. She eventually surfaces, looking serious and sad. She lays out all of Ed's extra-shortcomings, ranging from lying about his height, to the embarrassment of the STD testing, to insulting her dragon breath, and then says she is done with him belittling her. Rose leaves Big Egg scrambling to find words, but without luck. Now we have to wait until next week to see if Rose chose Big Egg over fertilized eggs.
Darcy & Thomas: Darcey puts on her casual, comfortable pleather pants to put together a "I dont care" package containing Tom's key, destination: Nottingham (good thing Lana didn't send David the key to HER house, or David might have walked in on that Ukranian man in the shower!) Tom explains his side of this non-story as "A tale of Two Darceys"; one that is loving, caring, wonderful and refers to all British men as her "007", and another side that no one can handle, who says "You never loved me, get out of my life you liar!" Though there may be a bit of truth to that, there is a sequel, "The Tale of Two Toms". "Thomas", who's an introspective, thoughtful British gentleman, and "Tommy" who makes fun of you like hes in junior high and calls you fat. If only Thomas and the best version of Darcey could align and leave the other two categorically done and dusted...... nah, still wouldnt work. We see Tom sitting in a bar in NYC, video chatting with his new girlfriend, who I'm pretty sure is Lana. He claims to have picked her up while working at Fashion Week, (which explains why Lana wasn't home when David showed up to her house! It all makes sense now!!) He tells her how terrible the unneccessary meetup and note journey through Connecticut were going, and how he just cant wait to see her soon. And then she sent him a sexy emoji and he said "Mmmmm".......
Yolander, party of one? Yolander? The reverse image search results are finally back from the lab after a whole week, and what do you know, Williams is a stock photo. Even after the photo evidence, Yolander refuses to believe Williams H. Macy is a catfish and wants to go halfsies with David on a private investigator (Rebecca's going to be working overtime this month). I've seen a few 90 Day petitions go around on the internet but I think we need one for stopping the catfish storylines. No more.
Avery & Ashtray: Ashole is still throwing his tantrum, as we see him and Avery try to work out their issues by the beach. Avery feels that Ashphault avoids hard questions and is starting to let his true self show after his crappy seminar. Ash feels as if hes being attacked, and that Avery just won't let anything go. He is shaking, and freaking out realizing that his seminar bomb was going to be televised and he would probably have a hard time getting new female customers, as everyone's blood sugar was at an all time low after last week. Avery was just focused on the the red flags and getting answers instead of being there for him, and he didn't even stop to ask see if she needed a sugar boost. Neither of them should hold a koala right now, they're too worked up.
David & his laptop: David returns stateside and is sharing tales of his Ukranian experience with his friend Jim, who is trying not to lose all respect for him. Unlike Lana, Mothra was waiting for David when he opened his front door to his late 80's bachelor pad. His entire house looked like he bought everything from the set of "Full House" estate sale. David explains to Jim that he wants to hire a private investigator to find out the truth about Lana. Jim tries to hit him (like a bunch of leaves at a banya) with reality, but David gets extremely defensive. He later on moves forward with hiring a P.I. (probably off of the same Ukranian dating site where he met Lana). He invited his Ukranian female friend (and obvious Dog The Bounty Hunter fan) over to translate the findings from the private investigator, which of course turned out to be that David was being scammed. He was combative and thought the only scam going on were these crazy hackers posting provocative pictures of poor Lana on multiple websites. Both his friend and the P.I. tried explaining the scam, but David refused to believe it. He knows hes been talking to "someone" all of these years, and now he need to find out who. In next week's preview, we saw him back at the airport, hopefully just dropping Yolander off for her flight to UKgeria to meet the stock photo. Waiting for my plot twist......
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2020.03.30 20:49 fractalfay She should run! Recap of Before the 90 Days S04E06

Greetings fellow members of the flock! Are you ready to fill the pews of the church of terrible? This is how contagions spread, and we can only blame ourselves.
BGL (Baby-girl Lisa) is sulking in her hotel room with her sassy finger in the air, so you know it’s time to hold that green card over Usman’s fame-hungry head. She informs him that she’s upset with him for openly guffawing at her ignorance alongside his incredulous friend Abba, and she doesn’t appreciate him being in a place where facts and experts still matter, when she took a couple of bong rips and watched MTV for 20 minutes in 1995. Usman backs down, because this is his life now.
“I know that Lisa does not like hearing the truth from somebody,” reports Usman, making his bid for understatement of the year. “So mostly I just tell her lies.”
In their shared interview, Usman makes one final attempt to explain the value of music industry insight, while Lisa insists that she doesn’t know what producers, video directors, and promoters have to do with her song, which is about her, baby-girl Lisa, who is an authority is baby-girls and also herself. Usman stares into the abyss until he fully disassociates, wondering why he didn’t end up with someone more reasonable, like Angela, who is still hunting for a woman photographed in the background on a boat trip.
“I’m working on a follow-up song, ‘When You Leaving, Girl?’ Which I will perform shortly after she meets my mother,” Usman says.
Later that night Lisa sports a freshly mayo’d lady-bun, so you know that she’s club-ready. Usman is slightly worried about how she’ll respond to his female fans, and how everyone will respond to his boring ass music video. To blunt the horror he walks in under the safety of a towel, like a boxer about to TKO his career. Lisa dubs the four women clamoring for selfies with SojaBoy “lovesick puppies,” since they’re totally different from the romantic sophistication she brings to the table. Usman works to avoid drama by smiling weakly at his fans, while sitting with his arm glued around Lisa, so everyone knows who is babysitting him tonight.
Since “I Love You” isn’t his only song, SojaBoy’s kicks off his set by chanting “dabbing” over and over again, and since saying “Gucci Gang” repeatedly worked out, let’s not dismiss this too quickly. Lisa approaches the stage so she doesn’t get accused of Jasmining, and seems to be in a good mood for the first time ever as she basks in the glow of his performance. They show the video, and Lisa blows him kisses until Usman is unsure whether the cringing is from that or his shiteous video. The only aspects of the original that remain are flashing lights, and Usman gesturing at the camera from behind sunglasses. Then an image of Lisa flashes across the screen, and Usman announces his fiancee to the crowd, to rapturous dead silence. He clarifies that she’s from America, so everyone knows why he’s doing this, and people retreat to the safety of their cell phones, or stand there with jaws dangling that they’re being asked to enable this farce. I can’t tell if the women are on the brink of laughter because it’s absurd, or because he didn’t have a fiancée last weekend when she was safely thousands of miles away. Suffice it to say, few fans saw fit to approach BGL to extend congratulations for loudly broadcasting her willingness to respond to Facebook messages from Nigerian strangers.
Knowing this is going to be a shitshow, the producers ask departing fans what they think. The most important moment of this? Winnifred. Girl has on hospital stripes, is drunk enough to be friends with Tom, and is ready to express herself.
“It was a boring video. Boo!” She declares, eyes rolling around in her head as her wig threatens to escape and run on to Darcey’s weave, where it can achieve full power. “He ONLY wants HER MONEY! She should run away!” She claps this part down from the sky, before asking if someone could get her a water for fuck’s sake, or a honey bun or something, goddamn.
The next day Lisa wakes up and wipes that pesky joy from her eyes so she can return to her preferred hobby of hounding Usman. She orders him to put her luggage on the floor, in a pyramid, inside a pyramid, under his shirt, under Winnifred’s shirt, a the bottom of the ocean, while Usman wonders why she couldn’t hit the thrift store for an option with wheels. Once at the airport Lisa remarks that the plane is little, the air is too noisy, the birds smell weird, and there’s a tooth trying to crawl down from her gum line. This is Usman’s first time traveling with a toddler, and it’s a lot for him.
90DF gives us a quick shot of the world’s tallest man in Sokoto, before introducing Bobo Gandi, another one of Usman’s friends with an amazing nickname. Bobo’s driving them to their hotel, where they’re staying so they don’t traumatize Usman’s mother. They check into the chalet, and BGL immediately declares that she doesn’t like it, and this is going to be “one miserable trip,” which seems to be something she committed to before they even opened the door. She wants to know why the bed is so low, which isn’t in Usman’s book of Universal Nigerian Truths, and why there seems to be a pea tucked between the sheets. Then she freaks out at the bathroom, which includes a bucket in place of a shower…much like what she saw in Usman’s apartment. She expects to be places better than where he grew up, just like she expects him to fully swallow every insult she hurls at his country and culture while she treats him like a porter.
“Lisa, she is also Karen,” Usman explains. “I don’t want to speak with the manager.”
Bobo Gandi manages to say “your wife is beautiful” before politely asking about Lisa’s tendency to growl Usman around. Usman says that he assumed that there would be in fewer fights once they were together and she got laid, but he has since learned that she bitches every hour of every day, and he’s afraid she’ll be daft enough to insult his mother to her face. He explains to Bobo that in the USA women are in charge, which you can tell by the many female presidents we’ve had since the country’s inception, while in Nigeria men are in charge, which you can tell by the fact that he needs approval from his mother.
In a much more air conditioned place in Manila, Big Ed is waking up to chunks of dumb clogging the corners of his eyes, so he pours a half sip of coffee to marinate his regret.
“I’m going to keep calling her. She’s not going to answer, because she’s enjoying her jetted bathtub for one and all those tiny little individually wrapped soaps, and is charging elaborate breakfasts to the room. But I’m going to keep calling.” Finally, he sends her a message asking for her to meet him at a nearby café so he can grovel. He translates the whole thing to her language, to show he’s risen to minimal effort.
Later he beats feet past the street meat towards a café, hoping that Rose will show up and order something more complicated than coffee for him. He looks at pictures of her on his phone while he waits, to remember what she looks like. He waits 90 minutes, which gives Rose sufficient time to ransack the hotel room for valuables. Realizing there’s nothing there but photos of women in pajamas and condoms, she finally shows up. Big Ed says he trusts her now with no question, and he doesn’t need her to take an STI test. He confesses that he needs to learn how to communicate and how to love, and he’ll never ask her to take a test again. Rose says that she wants to see the future, not the past and smiles, and agrees to spend one more night in Manila. Then she reclines, relaxing into having all the power in the relationship.
Meanwhile Tom arrives in NYC, under the grueling demands of his invisible job, and he’s ready to talk things through in person, with Darcey, on camera. He declares that Darcey has no idea how much he loves her, which she should know by his never calling, professed indifference, and the photographs he parades with another woman.
Darcey is also prepping for their meeting, by rubbing a bar of soap over her face, and then hitting it with a stick; no word on whether this returns feeling to her pores. Exhausted by this first round of Olympic mirroring, she’s ready to express her doubts that their relationship can be salvaged, and to pretend to draw a hard line with this man she isn’t dating. She shows the cameras the text she got from Tom, that says he wants her to meet his “real friends” in Argentina, and says that she loved Tom very much, and threatens to cry off everything she’s accomplished with the day’s first round of spackling. I think Darcey’s repeated appearances could work, if we followed her through the hunting phase, which likely involves countless hours trolling international sites for people who don’t know how instagram filters work.
“Bu wut does thaf havva do fur mei?” Tom’s drunk friend asks. “Ima personality too fer to love er. You know?”
Three days alter, Darcey is seeing the finish line of her cosmetics marathon, and the MAC makeup counter is no longer taking her calls. Darcey has chosen a place in New York for their meeting that Tom approves of, and he’s so nervous he can barely boring his outfit together. Just prior to departure he bathes himself in Milquetoast For Men, proving how much he and Darcey have in common. Darcey arrives and calls him Thomas, and he takes his glasses off, while Darcey keeps hers on, because she’s Full Metal Darcey, a lady in black with her titties fully loaded to shoot the Colin Firth off this human midlife crisis. Tom is not ready.
Meanwhile, in the land down under, Stephanie is still trying to convince us she’s bisexual for reasons beyond Youtube hits. She and Erika giggle their suitcases through the rain and into the hotel, and both flop onto the bed so we can get a sneak peak at Erika’s underthings, edging us four inches closer to a straight-man porn parody of gay. Stephanie flexes that she’s the highest paid youtube star in the Land of Make Believe by ordering a bottle of champagne by the price tag instead of the name, and declares she’s torn between taking a bath and kissing her newly minted lady friend. She disappears into the bathroom and asks Erika to meet her there, and when she opens the door Stephanie has transformed into Blanche, Mistress of the Night, wearing a 40s inspired come-hither robe to announce to all of us at home they’re definitely just going to braid each other’s hair.
This suspicion is confirmed the next day, when Erika reveals that as soon as the cameras left Stephanie fell asleep and mentioned she doesn’t want to have sex until Erika is a man. Erika understands this and doesn’t want to be a pressuring creeper, but she also knows they have limited time together, and she’d like to make the most of it by actually dating. So Erika wakes up early to arrange a wildlife-park worthy outfit for future instagram stories, before rousing Stephanie to do the same. Stephanie declares that women are better at the going slow thing, because it’s more about the emotional connection, which makes no sense to people like me who have fucked every boyfriend they’ve ever had on the second date. (Shut up, you did too.)
They head to Cleland Wildlife Park, to hand-feed kangaroos and take photographs, because #goals. After a few shots they stop so Steph can sanitize her phone, and confess that she hasn’t yet discovered the wonders of a Monday-Friday pill counter, or those cute metal boxes you can stick in your bag. Instead she presents a bushel basket of mangled boxes and foil packets, to swallow a handful of pills she could have taken at the hotel. Steph passes around hand sanitizer, which is worth $5K on the black market now, and asks Erika if she thinks it’s weird, and she says a little bit, because didn’t those boxes just fuck up her packing game? Stephanie says that she’s relieved Erika is being so understanding, but worries her disease will burden her. Erika thinks Stephanie underplayed the severity of her illness, and will ask her to take an STI test before they beat the sheets.
Speaking of Land of Make-Believe, disability rights organizations still have not presented David with a Seeing-Reality Dog of his own, so there’s some possibility he’ll go running at a pole in the train station thinking it’s a portal to Hogwarts. But before he wanders off unsupervised, he logs in to his only source of communication with Lana, and sees no new messages, which he considers a good thing, because having a phone number to call when she gets off the train would really shorten this storyline. He gussies himself up by swiftly navigating the hazards of shaving, before dusting off the good purple polo he’s been saving in plastic for 7 years and 3 failed meetups.
On the way to the train station he reveals their plans for a day of horseback riding and bowling, or maybe doing ketamine in his hotel room alone before he falls into a technicolor black hole, that will turn out to be Lana’s mouth. Once there, he’s surprised to discover that there’s no 8AM arrival time at all. As someone who works in tech, he knows it’s impossible to check the internet for a station’s listed arrivals ahead of time. The enabling producers ask if maybe her train is slated to arrive another day, but David insists they said Saturday. David is baffled, and thinks she might be on the Snowpiercer train, and can’t stop until the world warms.
He heads to the cyber café to dump more money into the scam, by sending her a message asking if she’s come down with gout since the train ticket purchase, or if she’s shivering in the rain in an undisclosed location, waiting for him to ride up in his rental tennis shoe car for a Notebook-inspired mid-air embrace. He’s maybe almost considering the possibility of getting a little bit suspicious, maybe, but not much, not at all.
He declares this failed meeting attempt is different, because he wants answers, and he’s not leaving Ukraine until he meets her. He’s just going to take this empty trunk all the way to her hometown and stuff her in it and poke the box with swords until she cooperates. The next day he’s once again reclining in his hotel room, staring at his computer like he doesn’t know how it got there. So he writes her another message that reads: Lana, I am devastated! I want you so much! Please send me a lock of your hair!
“Some of my friends think I’m kinda weird,” David says. “Some of my friends are in the computer now. In the computer. That’s all I can say. For now.”
He meets up with his counselor Anya, who wants to know if he thinks it’s normal for people to completely vanish when he gets within 200 miles of their physical location.
David: What are you saying? The aliens got her? Are we talking about the greys or the lizard people? I’ve got a man on the inside.
Anya: No David. Do you know what a scam is?
David: Spam? Do you think her address is hidden behind the wrapper? Or maybe under the tin pull tab? Come on, let’s go get 5,000 cans until we find the right one.
Anya: Do you think maybe this is about money? Like, you know, the thousands of dollars you’ve spent sending her messages in one exclusive way that happens to be expensive?
David: What? She’s being held for ransom? Why didn’t you say so? Where’s the nearest ATM?
Anya ages before our eyes, while David explains that he snagged what might be a real address when he was booking the cruise she cancelled, and it’s soooo weird how when he looks through google maps she appears to live inside a tank mortar. Anya tells him driving into a war zone is dangerous, and he will likely return by foot without any clothes on, but David isn’t going to listen. She tells him to be careful, and maybe list her on his life insurance policy before he goes.
Next week: Rose visibly cringes when Ed reveals his foot fetish, Erika takes Stephanie somewhere to whip her tits out, Avery is beginning to notice that Ash is completely full of shit, and Usman realizes he’s on the brink of moving to another country to be totally alone with a woman who wants him to be totally alone, with her, and only her. Listen to Winnifred, Usman, and run.
Thank you, Patreon supporters! You are the best! To join: patreon.com/fractalfay
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2020.03.30 20:48 fractalfay She needs to run! Recap of Before the 90 Days S04E06

Greetings fellow members of the flock! Are you ready to fill the pews of the church of terrible? This is how contagions spread, and we can only blame ourselves.
BGL (Baby-girl Lisa) is sulking in her hotel room with her sassy finger in the air, so you know it’s time to hold that green card over Usman’s fame-hungry head. She informs him that she’s upset with him for openly guffawing at her ignorance alongside his incredulous friend Abba, and she doesn’t appreciate him being in a place where facts and experts still matter, when she took a couple of bong rips and watched MTV for 20 minutes in 1995. Usman backs down, because this is his life now.
“I know that Lisa does not like hearing the truth from somebody,” reports Usman, making his bid for understatement of the year. “So mostly I just tell her lies.”
In their shared interview, Usman makes one final attempt to explain the value of music industry insight, while Lisa insists that she doesn’t know what producers, video directors, and promoters have to do with her song, which is about her, baby-girl Lisa, who is an authority is baby-girls and also herself. Usman stares into the abyss until he fully disassociates, wondering why he didn’t end up with someone more reasonable, like Angela, who is still hunting for a woman photographed in the background on a boat trip.
“I’m working on a follow-up song, ‘When You Leaving, Girl?’ Which I will perform shortly after she meets my mother,” Usman says.
Later that night Lisa sports a freshly mayo’d lady-bun, so you know that she’s club-ready. Usman is slightly worried about how she’ll respond to his female fans, and how everyone will respond to his boring ass music video. To blunt the horror he walks in under the safety of a towel, like a boxer about to TKO his career. Lisa dubs the four women clamoring for selfies with SojaBoy “lovesick puppies,” since they’re totally different from the romantic sophistication she brings to the table. Usman works to avoid drama by smiling weakly at his fans, while sitting with his arm glued around Lisa, so everyone knows who is babysitting him tonight.
Since “I Love You” isn’t his only song, SojaBoy’s kicks off his set by chanting “dabbing” over and over again, and since saying “Gucci Gang” repeatedly worked out, let’s not dismiss this too quickly. Lisa approaches the stage so she doesn’t get accused of Jasmining, and seems to be in a good mood for the first time ever as she basks in the glow of his performance. They show the video, and Lisa blows him kisses until Usman is unsure whether the cringing is from that or his shiteous video. The only aspects of the original that remain are flashing lights, and Usman gesturing at the camera from behind sunglasses. Then an image of Lisa flashes across the screen, and Usman announces his fiancee to the crowd, to rapturous dead silence. He clarifies that she’s from America, so everyone knows why he’s doing this, and people retreat to the safety of their cell phones, or stand there with jaws dangling that they’re being asked to enable this farce. I can’t tell if the women are on the brink of laughter because it’s absurd, or because he didn’t have a fiancée last weekend when she was safely thousands of miles away. Suffice it to say, few fans saw fit to approach BGL to extend congratulations for loudly broadcasting her willingness to respond to Facebook messages from Nigerian strangers.
Knowing this is going to be a shitshow, the producers ask departing fans what they think. The most important moment of this? Winnifred. Girl has on hospital stripes, is drunk enough to be friends with Tom, and is ready to express herself.
“It was a boring video. Boo!” She declares, eyes rolling around in her head as her wig threatens to escape and run on to Darcey’s weave, where it can achieve full power. “He ONLY wants HER MONEY! She should run away!” She claps this part down from the sky, before asking if someone could get her a water for fuck’s sake, or a honey bun or something, goddamn.
The next day Lisa wakes up and wipes that pesky joy from her eyes so she can return to her preferred hobby of hounding Usman. She orders him to put her luggage on the floor, in a pyramid, inside a pyramid, under his shirt, under Winnifred’s shirt, a the bottom of the ocean, while Usman wonders why she couldn’t hit the thrift store for an option with wheels. Once at the airport Lisa remarks that the plane is little, the air is too noisy, the birds smell weird, and there’s a tooth trying to crawl down from her gum line. This is Usman’s first time traveling with a toddler, and it’s a lot for him.
90DF gives us a quick shot of the world’s tallest man in Sokoto, before introducing Bobo Gandi, another one of Usman’s friends with an amazing nickname. Bobo’s driving them to their hotel, where they’re staying so they don’t traumatize Usman’s mother. They check into the chalet, and BGL immediately declares that she doesn’t like it, and this is going to be “one miserable trip,” which seems to be something she committed to before they even opened the door. She wants to know why the bed is so low, which isn’t in Usman’s book of Universal Nigerian Truths, and why there seems to be a pea tucked between the sheets. Then she freaks out at the bathroom, which includes a bucket in place of a shower…much like what she saw in Usman’s apartment. She expects to be places better than where he grew up, just like she expects him to fully swallow every insult she hurls at his country and culture while she treats him like a porter.
“Lisa, she is also Karen,” Usman explains. “I don’t want to speak with the manager.”
Bobo Gandi manages to say “your wife is beautiful” before politely asking about Lisa’s tendency to growl Usman around. Usman says that he assumed that there would be in fewer fights once they were together and she got laid, but he has since learned that she bitches every hour of every day, and he’s afraid she’ll be daft enough to insult his mother to her face. He explains to Bobo that in the USA women are in charge, which you can tell by the many female presidents we’ve had since the country’s inception, while in Nigeria men are in charge, which you can tell by the fact that he needs approval from his mother.
In a much more air conditioned place in Manila, Big Ed is waking up to chunks of dumb clogging the corners of his eyes, so he pours a half sip of coffee to marinate his regret.
“I’m going to keep calling her. She’s not going to answer, because she’s enjoying her jetted bathtub for one and all those tiny little individually wrapped soaps, and is charging elaborate breakfasts to the room. But I’m going to keep calling.” Finally, he sends her a message asking for her to meet him at a nearby café so he can grovel. He translates the whole thing to her language, to show he’s risen to minimal effort.
Later he beats feet past the street meat towards a café, hoping that Rose will show up and order something more complicated than coffee for him. He looks at pictures of her on his phone while he waits, to remember what she looks like. He waits 90 minutes, which gives Rose sufficient time to ransack the hotel room for valuables. Realizing there’s nothing there but photos of women in pajamas and condoms, she finally shows up. Big Ed says he trusts her now with no question, and he doesn’t need her to take an STI test. He confesses that he needs to learn how to communicate and how to love, and he’ll never ask her to take a test again. Rose says that she wants to see the future, not the past and smiles, and agrees to spend one more night in Manila. Then she reclines, relaxing into having all the power in the relationship.
Meanwhile Tom arrives in NYC, under the grueling demands of his invisible job, and he’s ready to talk things through in person, with Darcey, on camera. He declares that Darcey has no idea how much he loves her, which she should know by his never calling, professed indifference, and the photographs he parades with another woman.
Darcey is also prepping for their meeting, by rubbing a bar of soap over her face, and then hitting it with a stick; no word on whether this returns feeling to her pores. Exhausted by this first round of Olympic mirroring, she’s ready to express her doubts that their relationship can be salvaged, and to pretend to draw a hard line with this man she isn’t dating. She shows the cameras the text she got from Tom, that says he wants her to meet his “real friends” in Argentina, and says that she loved Tom very much, and threatens to cry off everything she’s accomplished with the day’s first round of spackling. I think Darcey’s repeated appearances could work, if we followed her through the hunting phase, which likely involves countless hours trolling international sites for people who don’t know how instagram filters work.
“Bu wut does thaf havva do fur mei?” Tom’s drunk friend asks. “Ima personality too fer to love er. You know?”
Three days alter, Darcey is seeing the finish line of her cosmetics marathon, and the MAC makeup counter is no longer taking her calls. Darcey has chosen a place in New York for their meeting that Tom approves of, and he’s so nervous he can barely boring his outfit together. Just prior to departure he bathes himself in Milquetoast For Men, proving how much he and Darcey have in common. Darcey arrives and calls him Thomas, and he takes his glasses off, while Darcey keeps hers on, because she’s Full Metal Darcey, a lady in black with her titties fully loaded to shoot the Colin Firth off this human midlife crisis. Tom is not ready.
Meanwhile, in the land down under, Stephanie is still trying to convince us she’s bisexual for reasons beyond Youtube hits. She and Erika giggle their suitcases through the rain and into the hotel, and both flop onto the bed so we can get a sneak peak at Erika’s underthings, edging us four inches closer to a straight-man porn parody of gay. Stephanie flexes that she’s the highest paid youtube star in the Land of Make Believe by ordering a bottle of champagne by the price tag instead of the name, and declares she’s torn between taking a bath and kissing her newly minted lady friend. She disappears into the bathroom and asks Erika to meet her there, and when she opens the door Stephanie has transformed into Blanche, Mistress of the Night, wearing a 40s inspired come-hither robe to announce to all of us at home they’re definitely just going to braid each other’s hair.
This suspicion is confirmed the next day, when Erika reveals that as soon as the cameras left Stephanie fell asleep and mentioned she doesn’t want to have sex until Erika is a man. Erika understands this and doesn’t want to be a pressuring creeper, but she also knows they have limited time together, and she’d like to make the most of it by actually dating. So Erika wakes up early to arrange a wildlife-park worthy outfit for future instagram stories, before rousing Stephanie to do the same. Stephanie declares that women are better at the going slow thing, because it’s more about the emotional connection, which makes no sense to people like me who have fucked every boyfriend they’ve ever had on the second date. (Shut up, you did too.)
They head to Cleland Wildlife Park, to hand-feed kangaroos and take photographs, because #goals. After a few shots they stop so Steph can sanitize her phone, and confess that she hasn’t yet discovered the wonders of a Monday-Friday pill counter, or those cute metal boxes you can stick in your bag. Instead she presents a bushel basket of mangled boxes and foil packets, to swallow a handful of pills she could have taken at the hotel. Steph passes around hand sanitizer, which is worth $5K on the black market now, and asks Erika if she thinks it’s weird, and she says a little bit, because didn’t those boxes just fuck up her packing game? Stephanie says that she’s relieved Erika is being so understanding, but worries her disease will burden her. Erika thinks Stephanie underplayed the severity of her illness, and will ask her to take an STI test before they beat the sheets.
Speaking of Land of Make-Believe, disability rights organizations still have not presented David with a Seeing-Reality Dog of his own, so there’s some possibility he’ll go running at a pole in the train station thinking it’s a portal to Hogwarts. But before he wanders off unsupervised, he logs in to his only source of communication with Lana, and sees no new messages, which he considers a good thing, because having a phone number to call when she gets off the train would really shorten this storyline. He gussies himself up by swiftly navigating the hazards of shaving, before dusting off the good purple polo he’s been saving in plastic for 7 years and 3 failed meetups.
On the way to the train station he reveals their plans for a day of horseback riding and bowling, or maybe doing ketamine in his hotel room alone before he falls into a technicolor black hole, that will turn out to be Lana’s mouth. Once there, he’s surprised to discover that there’s no 8AM arrival time at all. As someone who works in tech, he knows it’s impossible to check the internet for a station’s listed arrivals ahead of time. The enabling producers ask if maybe her train is slated to arrive another day, but David insists they said Saturday. David is baffled, and thinks she might be on the Snowpiercer train, and can’t stop until the world warms.
He heads to the cyber café to dump more money into the scam, by sending her a message asking if she’s come down with gout since the train ticket purchase, or if she’s shivering in the rain in an undisclosed location, waiting for him to ride up in his rental tennis shoe car for a Notebook-inspired mid-air embrace. He’s maybe almost considering the possibility of getting a little bit suspicious, maybe, but not much, not at all.
He declares this failed meeting attempt is different, because he wants answers, and he’s not leaving Ukraine until he meets her. He’s just going to take this empty trunk all the way to her hometown and stuff her in it and poke the box with swords until she cooperates. The next day he’s once again reclining in his hotel room, staring at his computer like he doesn’t know how it got there. So he writes her another message that reads: Lana, I am devastated! I want you so much! Please send me a lock of your hair!
“Some of my friends think I’m kinda weird,” David says. “Some of my friends are in the computer now. In the computer. That’s all I can say. For now.”
He meets up with his counselor Anya, who wants to know if he thinks it’s normal for people to completely vanish when he gets within 200 miles of their physical location.
David: What are you saying? The aliens got her? Are we talking about the greys or the lizard people? I’ve got a man on the inside.
Anya: No David. Do you know what a scam is?
David: Spam? Do you think her address is hidden behind the wrapper? Or maybe under the tin pull tab? Come on, let’s go get 5,000 cans until we find the right one.
Anya: Do you think maybe this is about money? Like, you know, the thousands of dollars you’ve spent sending her messages in one exclusive way that happens to be expensive?
David: What? She’s being held for ransom? Why didn’t you say so? Where’s the nearest ATM?
Anya ages before our eyes, while David explains that he snagged what might be a real address when he was booking the cruise she cancelled, and it’s soooo weird how when he looks through google maps she appears to live inside a tank mortar. Anya tells him driving into a war zone is dangerous, and he will likely return by foot without any clothes on, but David isn’t going to listen. She tells him to be careful, and maybe list her on his life insurance policy before he goes.
Next week: Rose visibly cringes when Ed reveals his foot fetish, Erika takes Stephanie somewhere to whip her tits out, Avery is beginning to notice that Ash is completely full of shit, and Usman realizes he’s on the brink of moving to another country to be totally alone with a woman who wants him to be totally alone, with her, and only her. Listen to Winnifred, Usman, and run.
Thank you, Patreon supporters! You are the best!
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2020.03.12 03:49 EricaShmericaOFF BEFORE THE 90 DAYS OF OUR LIVES; Episode 3

Joffrey & Varya: During the longest car ride back from the airport ever, Joffrey and Varya are suffering in extreme awkwardness. Not exactly sure why Varya decided to wear a lemon yellow Hillary Clinton-esque power suit to meet her internet love, but it only added to the weirdness. They arrive at the hotel, where Joffrey will be sleeping alone. Varya tells him that she promised her girlfriends she would stay with them, as it's too soon to shack up with some guy from the internet. Prince Joffrey does attempts to cut the tension by talking about their awkward first encounter, and gets super defensive while doing so. He seems to almost be getting annoyed with her already, because it's not an immediate connection. Before abandoning him in a foreign land for the evening, Varya, who is still wearing a Paula Poundstone circa 1992 blazer, brings Joffrey out on the town for fine Russian cuisine. She insists that he order some beets/onion/herring/mayo tower of terror looking concoction, and maybe it's all for the best that she isn't spending the night..... At dinner, Varya questioned him about his previous relationship and his kids, and he was less than forthcoming with any of that information. This is what happens when you go for the cutest guy that contacts you on Anastasia.com. Russian Red flags everywhere.
Baby Girl Lisa & Assman: The plane is about to land in the bustling metropolis of Kaduna, Nigeria. But first, we got to experience a day in the life of Assman. On this episode of "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous", we see Usman wake up and hit the hookah / check his phone to answer all of the babygirls he's scamming, all the while trying not to disturb the random guy sleeping next to him in bed who turns out to also be named Usman (Is"Usman" like John Smith over there? There seem to be an abundance of them). Assman also shares his quarters with his friend Ahmed the Giant, who must have lost in "Rock Paper Scissors", and has to sleep on the floor. Sojaboy, being the super star he is, gets to use the ensuite bathroom first, which involves showering with one bucket and doing his business in another. (Why were his friends waiting in line for the bathroom if they poop in buckets? Like just go grab another bucket... is the scenery nicer in there or something?) Sojaboy tells his friends about Baby Girl Lisa coming to visit, and passes her photo around on his phone for show and tell. Assman brings the new "goofballs" to the airport to retrieve BGL. She got off the plain with 2" of grey roots and ran to Assman as fast as her socks-with-sandaled feet could take her! They did seem genuine in their initial moments embracing at the airport, and then making out like teenagers in the back of the car ride to the airport. Assman admitted she had "more belly" than he liked, and made faces to his friends when BGL wasnt looking. They arrive at the hotel, where the new couple gave the Goofballs 2.0 the slip. Production asked Assman how he felt about sleeping with Lisa, to which he admitted that she is not someone he is normally attracted to (perhaps 55%), but anatomically speaking, they have the right equipment to get the job done.They rolled around on the bed, and BGL was clear about what was on her mind. She kicked production out, and probably made him sing "the song " to get in the mood. Can't wait for next week, and I wrote my own lyric "Baby Girl Lisa, I will pray for yoooou girl (that you dont get dysentery and have to use the poop bucket)".
Stephanie and Erika with a K: Stephanie is a super cute girl originally from the Czech Republic, now living in Yonkers with great hair. She's a YouTuber by trade, who sings songs about pizza, and has fallen in love with another girl with great hair, Erika with a K from Australia. Stephanie and Erika not Shmerika had been chatting online for awhile and Stephanie is now trying to decide how to tell her mother she is going "down under" with girls. Her mother is worried about her traveling, due to her rare autoimmune disorder. Nothing too crazy to report with these two, I guess we will have to wait and see.
Darcey, just Darcey: Darcey hits the gym with extra cleavage to spare. She does a little leg lift thing, lifts some weights, then runs for her life on the treadmill (whoever came up with the idea for this scene should be proud of themselves...genius). While burning calories, she discusses recieving photos of Tom (by way of Stacey's fiance Florian) and some blonde girl in Nottingham, looking like she might also be getting the key to Tom's house. Darcey is very hurt and feels betrayed. ......by the guy she isn't seeing and blocked on Instagram. Stacey picks her up from her workout in her Nissan Altima, and they speed off to sit and trash talk Tom. There's really no story here, but it's always nice to see an old familiar face.....well, it's getting less familiar each season.
Big Egg & Rosemarie's Baby: Big egg has made his final descent upon the Philippines and is excited to meet Rose for the first time, as are we all. We get to see Rose in her natural habitat, which was very modest, to say the least. She and her son live with her sister and her kids in two rooms behind her sister's store. They sleep on a roll up mattress on the floor (Which will hopefully be the right size for Ed's fancy sheets), they do their laundry in a plastic tub on the street and there are roosters walking around. (Sidenote, this place would go for about $2000/month in New York.. they'd list it as "cozy, open concept with friendly neighborhood fowl"). Hopefully Ed, with his experience in kitchen and bath design, will be able to remodel their hot plate kitchen and poop bucket to more of a "rustic modern" look. After the house tour, Rose pretty much admits she's in this to start a new life for herself and her son (can't blame her, I also love indoor plumbing). We also met the family Rosemarie, her sister Maria and their dad, while they all shared a yogurt snack. They discussed Ed's upcoming visit, and voiced their concerns about his size and intentions. Finally the moment we have all been waiting for; Rose and Ed see each other for the first time! They both seem happy and excited, though their car ride was not nearly as sexy as BGL and Assman....not many things are. Rose did realize that Ed lied about his height, and that hes a bit more egg shaped in person, but she's in it to win it.
Avery & Ashhole: Avery is gearing up for her flight to meet Ashole all the way down under. Meanwhile, we get a glimpse into the life of jackAsh... We first see him squatting in cold water to attune with nature, or pee in the ocean or something. He shows us an example of his professional life, as he flirted with some woman on video chat. He admits to dating a lot, which is backed up by his local florist (Ash is probably helping put the florist's kids through college). This guy is shady, blinky, twitchy, and sneaky. We'll get to see him meet Avery next week, and yet, I am underwhelmed.
Yolandaler, party of one, Yolander: Yolander sits down in a bougie juice bar to text and video chat with "The Williams', but no such luck. Later, while sitting on her air mattress in her bedroom with nothing in it, she tells production that Williams has changed his instagram name and deleted all photos. She still can't get a hold of him, and we're all just left to wonder why she is on the show and who would believe this and just why. After all we went through with Caesar, just why. Are we going to have to wait 13 weeks and then the Nigerian Williams will pull a Maria and make an appearance via satellite? Will he go on to hang out with Jesse? I'm growing impatient with Yolander and her purpley blue eyeliner....you're turning into a Caesar salad.
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2020.03.03 01:04 fractalfay Do you think he’s a yahoo boy? Recap of Before the 90 Days, S04E02

Still no sign of the storied same sex couple, but if you’ve got a thing for serial woman beaters with a criminal record that demands 12 Danielle binders, have we got a story for you!
First, let’s revisit our favorite Connecticut single non-housewife medium from the Jersey Shore, Darcey! This permanent teenager is still faking a relationship with buttoned-up King of Salsa, Tom, who continues mugging like he’s a John Travolta stand-in for the off-Broadway revival of Grease. Are they engaged? No. Married? No. In a relationship of any kind? No, but she does still have that appreciation key, and the rules go out the door when you gift audiences with constant crying, and manage to scream “Get out of my life!” At a departing minivan. This has been my ringtone and life philosophy ever since. No one has thrown herself on the 90DF grenade like Darcey, so let’s clap this woman all the way onto the stage.
The 90DF editors tease at wedding dress selection, but what’s actually happening is that Darcey and Stacey are modeling their own designs, and commit to ones that best scream Pnina Tornai. Darcey chooses a dress inspired by Tom’s last cocaine flashback and glues her tits into it. We’re then forced to look back on our relationship with Darcey, which has lasted longer than any of her romantic entanglements, from the early days of Goth Darcey wearing high heels to walk cobblestone streets, to the current extensions-and-contour edition that spends hours preparing for a phone call that doesn’t cross the five minute mark.
Anyway, with a stressful morning of staring at herself in the mirror now complete, Darcey and Stacey strap on dueling sunglasses and invade a café so that Stacey can look down on her in public. Darcey hasn’t heard from Tom in weeks, and remains the only person who doesn’t know where their relationship stands. She reveals that Tom only texted her on her birthday, since he was busy working on his selfie that day, but he promised he would call. Darcey then races to dismiss her own feelings with, “It’s just a birthday.” Can the self-esteem bus make an unscheduled stop in Darcey’s segment? Can someone please share a seat with Darcey?
Later on she calls Tom and pretends to be aloof, with a long series of “I’m busy, you’re busy” unconvincing dismissals. For fuck’s sake Darcey, find someone who likes you instead of trying to rearrange yourself around a guy with one good angle. Despite totally ignoring her, Tom readied for this phone call by looking high and low for the most pretentious backdrop, and wants to know if he can get some ass when he’s next in town, or dump her on national television the way Jesse did. Darcey never turns away the chance to feel bad about herself, so she asks why he wants to see her, exactly, and Tom who is still Tom says he doesn’t have time to talk about this. Here’s how I wish her conversation with Tom went:
Tom: Darcey? Darcey, are you there?
Darcey: Who is this?
Tom: It’s Tom. From The England.
Darcey: Who?
Tom: Tom. Salsa Tom. Jesse rebound Tom.
Darcey: What? I am not donating to your campaign.
Tom: No…dammit Darcey, Tom from 90 Day Fiancé.
Darcey: Oh my god I’m on that show again! Gotta go paint on some wedding gowns. Goodbye!
Scene.
Just a few states south of 90 Day Fiancé capital is Lisa, who remains the only person convinced that Nigerian rapper Usman is headed state-side for true love, with the fifty-something bossy white lady of his dreams. Since this is a story of dizzying complexity, let’s review everything we know about Usman, before this list is dutifully chanted, scene after scene:
1.) He’s a celebrity.
2.) He wrote a song about his baby love Lisa.
3.) Totally not a scammer.
4.) Too many feemales.
On the phone with Usman Lisa summons her best impression of Sarah from Life After Lockup, to discuss her upcoming meeting with Usman’s mother, who she expected to buy off with a goat. Usman admits that his mother thinks she’s coming to Nigeria to take her son away as a slave, which is fair, since Lisa observes him as an object she owns. Usman assures Lisa that they’re going to be together no matter what, and he doesn’t need mother’s approval. That topic exhausted, we move on to her favorite one: feemales. Lisa wants to go to the studio, to check for women hiding under a synthesizer. She also doesn’t want to be around his friends, because they hide women under their clothing, or attract them with their woman flags. In fact, if he could put all of Nigeria’s feemales on a ship and sink it before she arrives, that would be great. Then, Usman gets another call.
“Was that a feemale?” Derps Lisa.
Usman: I’m going to laugh a lot, because I struggle to believe you are this demanding and absurd.
Lisa: Oh I am.
Mother Usman: This will take many, many goats.
Later on Lisa meets up with friends Rocky and Cathy to report on the list of four things. Rocky has just returned from serving as an extra in the sequel to Fury Road, and Cathy has brought her Sally Jesse Raphael glasses for aggressive Lisa reading. They ask what Usman does in Nigeria, and instead of saying scamming she goes with, “He’s a celebrity,” and everyone laughs and laughs. They point out that the US already has a Soulja Boy, but hip hop mogul Lisa assures them that the spelling is different, and only one of them wrote the song “I Love You,” which is for Baby Girl Lisa, meaning her, and no one else. There’s no stopping Rocky or his, “Really?”
Okay, so we’ve covered celebrity, his rap ambitions, and how he’s totally not a scammer, which leaves us with feemales. Lisa says that after the song there was drama, because he had to make a video. She thought that since the song is about her, her face should be super-imposed over the sun like that baby in Teletubbies, or maybe she could crawl out of a comic strip and dance with him like that one scene from “Take on Me,” or could brush her hair in the mirror while a creepy hand appears to hold her cheek like in that Juice Newton classic, “Angel of the Morning.” If you need someone with extensive knowledge of disturbing imagery in music videos on your pub trivia team, I’m your huckleberry.
Anyway, Usman chose to betray Lisa’s crackerjack media sense and go with an actual person instead. Lisa declares that the presence of an actress negates the love proclamations of the song, so to appease her he cut all the girl’s scenes from the music video. Or, she denied some poor actress the opportunity for career progression, just to prop up her own delusions. Lisa further declares that once she lands in Nigeria, she wants to have more of a say in his career, because who in the arts doesn’t want a hospice nurse to weigh in on their creative pursuits?
While Lisa is at the midpoint of her fan fiction, Cathy googles until she finds a death count for the area where she’s going. Lisa points out that she could be robbed with a machete anywhere, because guns are expensive, and hardware stores don’t card. Plus, she’s not worried about death, because even one week with this man is a good life.
Later on Lisa’s packing up, showing off her endorsement deal with the Dollar Store, and she confesses she spent some time at Paul’s Mall, picking up his and her matching mosquito nets. Her friend Trinda has been to The Africa, and is there to share sagely advice, like use condoms. Lisa is not about to hear anything that didn’t happen in Twilight.
On the way to the airport, Trinda asks if Lisa wonders if he might be a Yahoo Boy, which is apparently a nickname for Nigerian scammers that live in fraternity houses together and juice newton vulnerable women for money as a team. Lisa knows that Usman isn’t a yahoo boy, because those guys hunt down middle-aged women on facebook and randomly friend them, and Usman is a celebrity who found a middle-aged woman on facebook to randomly friend.
Nicole: That makes sense.
Speaking of folks who view people as objects, Big Ed is tying up some loose ends at work, which includes scraping off his last layers of dignity and notions of women as people. Coworker Kara laughs at Ed’s corny jokes and confesses that she has some doubts about his relationship. To comfort him in his travels, she regales Big Ed with stories of mutant cockroaches, bucket showers, mosquito born illnesses, and images of STDs. Big Ed confirms the suspicion that every single gift he’s sent Rosemarie has actually been for him: sheets and pillows that accommodate his skin condition, a grill for her father to cook according to his dietary limitations, and creepy lingerie plucked right from a Silk Stalkings skinemax flick from the 90s, which just so happens to also be the last decade Ed had sex. Normally you might want to, I don’t, meet the person before you present sexual expectations, but dude has suffered through 28 years of masturbating while crying, so let’s allow some margin for error.
Anyway, Big Ed reveals that Rosemarie’s sister texted him to ask for money, while pretending that Rosemarie doesn’t know about it. Big Ed texted back that he’s not willing to entertain a cash gift until he’s actually there. At which point, his decision will be determined by whether or not Rosemarie has had sex with him yet.
The next day, Big Ed is taking too much shit to the Philippines, in his Big Suitcase of Big Expectations. He’s bringing only the highlighted items on Paul’s list of travel essentials: perfume, an assortment of stuffed animals, a giant bag of suckers, Crest product placement, microwave popcorn to heat in his bucket shower, and an engagement ring. Marie Kondo needs to provide luggage inspection to all 90DF participants, because there’s no way DumDums spark joy.
A friend stops by to marvel at Ed’s decision-making and to deliver wine. We learn that Rosemarie’s son is four, and Big Ed hopes to one day employ him as a drool catcher. He also admits that he may have told Rosemarie just a few lies about himself. He lied about his height by 3 inches, which is one inch more of a lie than the average dude posting measurements on the internet. Lie #2 is that he doesn’t want more children, and wants a vasectomy. Rosemarie, meanwhile, is already excited for baby #2. Turns out he made the appointment twice, and cancelled it both times, because that’s escalating the lie to territory much more difficult to defend on social media.
This is why so many Americans on this show are terrible. They find someone online that’s out of their league, whom they hope to marry for purely physical reasons, and demonstrate full indifference to their clearly articulated expectations, allowing their would-be spouse to invest time and energy into what will ultimately be a mismatch. The international spouses are supposed to love the Americans for their personalities and who they are, while the Americans don’t need to love at all. Big Ed is trying to get laid, and chooses to delay announcing his disinterest in children so that it doesn’t get in the way of his get-some plans. This is shitty.
Finally, he’s off to the airport, where he makes 18 short jokes, because no one around him could possibly be thinking about anything but his height. Definitely not their own insecurities and travel plans, for example. Big Ed once again tries to call his daughter Tiffany, and when it goes to voicemail he sends her a video message instead. She calls back to wish him safe travels. He tries to drag the conversation on, but she cuts him off, and something tells me this isn’t the first time Big Ed did something that’s hard to explain.
Meanwhile, over in Washington, Avery is noticing that her boyfriend with a doctorate in single-ladies only speaks jargon. She calls him, and asks pointed question to try and unravel this mystery.
Avery: Do you think we’ll have conflict being around each other 24/7.
Ash: If we have that soul connection, you will always agree with me.
Avery: Why did you and your ex breakup?
Ash: We harmonized our synergies, but couldn’t converge on an elevated psychic plane. I’m optimistic about our potential in space.
Avery: Soo she’d be okay with you taking her son out of the country?
Ash: Do you know about synchronicity? There’s a way he can be in two places at the same time, if you just open your mind.
Avery: Sometimes I think you just say what I want to hear.
Ash: This is what you want to hear? I can feel our soul connection pulling us forward, towards otherworldly transmission. Also, give yourself over to pleasure, in a way that aligns with my heterosexual male expectations.
Avery: Omigod this is just like working at Google.
Later on, Avery heads over to her parents’ house to confess her long-distance love, and her plans to drop both children on the doorsteps of their respective fathers before flooring it to the airport. Her mother, who is possibly my #twinflame, demonstrates perfect resting bitch face, thinly concealing simmering distrust and desire for isolation. Mother Avery does not say, “I’m not one to judge anyone…” she just gets right to the judging, and I enjoy that language economy. Avery starts unfurling her latest romantic adventure, and her mom questions how much relationship she can have with someone she’s never hung out with, and scoffs when their relationship is described as “dating.”
Mother Avery: Don’t you have kids?
Avery: Not on this show I don’t.
Grandma: Aren’t there any fellas in Washington?
Avery: Yes, but none of them are allowed to leave the Amazon parking lot.
Mother Avery: Well, they can’t all be a big deal in the cannabis business. Is it time for you to go yet?
Avery: Well…
Mother Avery: I think it’s really weird that people even exist on the internet. Do they disappear when you turn it off?
Father Avery: I am the dad.
Avery: Obviously I’ve been through a lot of crap in the past, but I didn’t learn from any of it.
Mother Avery: Hmm.
Scene.
Yolanda is in desperate need of Mother Avery’s wisdom as she’s buying her plane ticket one week before she heads to England. This is one of those moments where I want production to step in and offer some education on thrifty airfare. Daughter Kara comes downstairs to help with the hotel and flight selection. Yolanda is used to planning vacations with her dearly departed Duane, and she’s unsteady on her feet doing it herself, save for text check-ins with her Yahoo boy. Yolanda reports that Williams was excited to learn she lives in Las Vegas, but was short a few hundred dollars to buy the ticket to see her. He then got upset that she didn’t give him money, but eventually said it was fine if she wanted to visit him instead. He tells her to fly into London, but doesn’t know the name of the airport, so he tells her that he’ll text her later. Kara finds this fishy, and when he texts he says she should fly into London, and then they’ll take the train two hours to Manchester. When Yolanda protests, he changes his mind and says she should fly into ASP Manchester LTD…which is the name of a recruitment office. She tries calling him back to clarify, and he won’t answer the phone. You have to be hurting or Nicole to not notice this scam.
Nicole: She’s hurting, and Azan and I are getting married.
Oh yeah, Geoffrey. At some point he attempts to milk empathy from a horrified audience, before boarding an airplane to make someone miserable in Russia. Despite the presence of unspeakable evil, the plane doesn’t crash, and somehow all the passengers sharing space with Voldemort when the Hellmouth opened made it out alive. Varya’s friends talk her out of sharing a hotel with him, and teach her how to blink SOS to the hotel manager. They are understandably worried about Geoffrey’s expectation for her to “bring him happiness.” Instead, she brings a natty yellow suit to the airport for the spinning camera trick, which in the future should be replaced with putting both parties on a merry-go-round while challenging them to stay on as it goes faster and faster. They’re both awkward, because Geoff’s barely recovered from his last violent crime, but they still manage to navigate this romantic exchange:
Varya: My friends are worried about me.
Geoffrey: WHAT HAVE THEY HEARD?
(Scene.)
NEXT WEEK Darcey gets ferocious at the gym while Tom attacks the dance floor, we finally meet the same sex couple we’ve been waiting for, Yolanda begins to stitch together that she’s been catfished and that accent isn’t British, and Big Ed and Rosemarie meet, and since it’s been hyped as a dud, you know she’s going to be fine with his looks.
Thank you Patreon supporters! For more of my blather, check out patreon.com/Fractalfay
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2020.03.03 01:03 fractalfay Do you think he could be a yahoo boy? Recap of Before the 90 Days, S04E02.

Still no sign of the storied same sex couple, but if you’ve got a thing for serial woman beaters with a criminal record that demands 12 Danielle binders, have we got a story for you!
First, let’s revisit our favorite Connecticut single non-housewife medium from the Jersey Shore, Darcey! This permanent teenager is still faking a relationship with buttoned-up King of Salsa, Tom, who continues mugging like he’s a John Travolta stand-in for the off-Broadway revival of Grease. Are they engaged? No. Married? No. In a relationship of any kind? No, but she does still have that appreciation key, and the rules go out the door when you gift audiences with constant crying, and manage to scream “Get out of my life!” At a departing minivan. This has been my ringtone and life philosophy ever since. No one has thrown herself on the 90DF grenade like Darcey, so let’s clap this woman all the way onto the stage.
The 90DF editors tease at wedding dress selection, but what’s actually happening is that Darcey and Stacey are modeling their own designs, and commit to ones that best scream Pnina Tornai. Darcey chooses a dress inspired by Tom’s last cocaine flashback and glues her tits into it. We’re then forced to look back on our relationship with Darcey, which has lasted longer than any of her romantic entanglements, from the early days of Goth Darcey wearing high heels to walk cobblestone streets, to the current extensions-and-contour edition that spends hours preparing for a phone call that doesn’t cross the five minute mark.
Anyway, with a stressful morning of staring at herself in the mirror now complete, Darcey and Stacey strap on dueling sunglasses and invade a café so that Stacey can look down on her in public. Darcey hasn’t heard from Tom in weeks, and remains the only person who doesn’t know where their relationship stands. She reveals that Tom only texted her on her birthday, since he was busy working on his selfie that day, but he promised he would call. Darcey then races to dismiss her own feelings with, “It’s just a birthday.” Can the self-esteem bus make an unscheduled stop in Darcey’s segment? Can someone please share a seat with Darcey?
Later on she calls Tom and pretends to be aloof, with a long series of “I’m busy, you’re busy” unconvincing dismissals. For fuck’s sake Darcey, find someone who likes you instead of trying to rearrange yourself around a guy with one good angle. Despite totally ignoring her, Tom readied for this phone call by looking high and low for the most pretentious backdrop, and wants to know if he can get some ass when he’s next in town, or dump her on national television the way Jesse did. Darcey never turns away the chance to feel bad about herself, so she asks why he wants to see her, exactly, and Tom who is still Tom says he doesn’t have time to talk about this. Here’s how I wish her conversation with Tom went:
Tom: Darcey? Darcey, are you there?
Darcey: Who is this?
Tom: It’s Tom. From The England.
Darcey: Who?
Tom: Tom. Salsa Tom. Jesse rebound Tom.
Darcey: What? I am not donating to your campaign.
Tom: No…dammit Darcey, Tom from 90 Day Fiancé.
Darcey: Oh my god I’m on that show again! Gotta go paint on some wedding gowns. Goodbye!
Scene.
Just a few states south of 90 Day Fiancé capital is Lisa, who remains the only person convinced that Nigerian rapper Usman is headed state-side for true love, with the fifty-something bossy white lady of his dreams. Since this is a story of dizzying complexity, let’s review everything we know about Usman, before this list is dutifully chanted, scene after scene:
1.) He’s a celebrity.
2.) He wrote a song about his baby love Lisa.
3.) Totally not a scammer.
4.) Too many feemales.
On the phone with Usman Lisa summons her best impression of Sarah from Life After Lockup, to discuss her upcoming meeting with Usman’s mother, who she expected to buy off with a goat. Usman admits that his mother thinks she’s coming to Nigeria to take her son away as a slave, which is fair, since Lisa observes him as an object she owns. Usman assures Lisa that they’re going to be together no matter what, and he doesn’t need mother’s approval. That topic exhausted, we move on to her favorite one: feemales. Lisa wants to go to the studio, to check for women hiding under a synthesizer. She also doesn’t want to be around his friends, because they hide women under their clothing, or attract them with their woman flags. In fact, if he could put all of Nigeria’s feemales on a ship and sink it before she arrives, that would be great. Then, Usman gets another call.
“Was that a feemale?” Derps Lisa.
Usman: I’m going to laugh a lot, because I struggle to believe you are this demanding and absurd.
Lisa: Oh I am.
Mother Usman: This will take many, many goats.
Later on Lisa meets up with friends Rocky and Cathy to report on the list of four things. Rocky has just returned from serving as an extra in the sequel to Fury Road, and Cathy has brought her Sally Jesse Raphael glasses for aggressive Lisa reading. They ask what Usman does in Nigeria, and instead of saying scamming she goes with, “He’s a celebrity,” and everyone laughs and laughs. They point out that the US already has a Soulja Boy, but hip hop mogul Lisa assures them that the spelling is different, and only one of them wrote the song “I Love You,” which is for Baby Girl Lisa, meaning her, and no one else. There’s no stopping Rocky or his, “Really?”
Okay, so we’ve covered celebrity, his rap ambitions, and how he’s totally not a scammer, which leaves us with feemales. Lisa says that after the song there was drama, because he had to make a video. She thought that since the song is about her, her face should be super-imposed over the sun like that baby in Teletubbies, or maybe she could crawl out of a comic strip and dance with him like that one scene from “Take on Me,” or could brush her hair in the mirror while a creepy hand appears to hold her cheek like in that Juice Newton classic, “Angel of the Morning.” If you need someone with extensive knowledge of disturbing imagery in music videos on your pub trivia team, I’m your huckleberry.
Anyway, Usman chose to betray Lisa’s crackerjack media sense and go with an actual person instead. Lisa declares that the presence of an actress negates the love proclamations of the song, so to appease her he cut all the girl’s scenes from the music video. Or, she denied some poor actress the opportunity for career progression, just to prop up her own delusions. Lisa further declares that once she lands in Nigeria, she wants to have more of a say in his career, because who in the arts doesn’t want a hospice nurse to weigh in on their creative pursuits?
While Lisa is at the midpoint of her fan fiction, Cathy googles until she finds a death count for the area where she’s going. Lisa points out that she could be robbed with a machete anywhere, because guns are expensive, and hardware stores don’t card. Plus, she’s not worried about death, because even one week with this man is a good life.
Later on Lisa’s packing up, showing off her endorsement deal with the Dollar Store, and she confesses she spent some time at Paul’s Mall, picking up his and her matching mosquito nets. Her friend Trinda has been to The Africa, and is there to share sagely advice, like use condoms. Lisa is not about to hear anything that didn’t happen in Twilight.
On the way to the airport, Trinda asks if Lisa wonders if he might be a Yahoo Boy, which is apparently a nickname for Nigerian scammers that live in fraternity houses together and juice newton vulnerable women for money as a team. Lisa knows that Usman isn’t a yahoo boy, because those guys hunt down middle-aged women on facebook and randomly friend them, and Usman is a celebrity who found a middle-aged woman on facebook to randomly friend.
Nicole: That makes sense.
Speaking of folks who view people as objects, Big Ed is tying up some loose ends at work, which includes scraping off his last layers of dignity and notions of women as people. Coworker Kara laughs at Ed’s corny jokes and confesses that she has some doubts about his relationship. To comfort him in his travels, she regales Big Ed with stories of mutant cockroaches, bucket showers, mosquito born illnesses, and images of STDs. Big Ed confirms the suspicion that every single gift he’s sent Rosemarie has actually been for him: sheets and pillows that accommodate his skin condition, a grill for her father to cook according to his dietary limitations, and creepy lingerie plucked right from a Silk Stalkings skinemax flick from the 90s, which just so happens to also be the last decade Ed had sex. Normally you might want to, I don’t, meet the person before you present sexual expectations, but dude has suffered through 28 years of masturbating while crying, so let’s allow some margin for error.
Anyway, Big Ed reveals that Rosemarie’s sister texted him to ask for money, while pretending that Rosemarie doesn’t know about it. Big Ed texted back that he’s not willing to entertain a cash gift until he’s actually there. At which point, his decision will be determined by whether or not Rosemarie has had sex with him yet.
The next day, Big Ed is taking too much shit to the Philippines, in his Big Suitcase of Big Expectations. He’s bringing only the highlighted items on Paul’s list of travel essentials: perfume, an assortment of stuffed animals, a giant bag of suckers, Crest product placement, microwave popcorn to heat in his bucket shower, and an engagement ring. Marie Kondo needs to provide luggage inspection to all 90DF participants, because there’s no way DumDums spark joy.
A friend stops by to marvel at Ed’s decision-making and to deliver wine. We learn that Rosemarie’s son is four, and Big Ed hopes to one day employ him as a drool catcher. He also admits that he may have told Rosemarie just a few lies about himself. He lied about his height by 3 inches, which is one inch more of a lie than the average dude posting measurements on the internet. Lie #2 is that he doesn’t want more children, and wants a vasectomy. Rosemarie, meanwhile, is already excited for baby #2. Turns out he made the appointment twice, and cancelled it both times, because that’s escalating the lie to territory much more difficult to defend on social media.
This is why so many Americans on this show are terrible. They find someone online that’s out of their league, whom they hope to marry for purely physical reasons, and demonstrate full indifference to their clearly articulated expectations, allowing their would-be spouse to invest time and energy into what will ultimately be a mismatch. The international spouses are supposed to love the Americans for their personalities and who they are, while the Americans don’t need to love at all. Big Ed is trying to get laid, and chooses to delay announcing his disinterest in children so that it doesn’t get in the way of his get-some plans. This is shitty.
Finally, he’s off to the airport, where he makes 18 short jokes, because no one around him could possibly be thinking about anything but his height. Definitely not their own insecurities and travel plans, for example. Big Ed once again tries to call his daughter Tiffany, and when it goes to voicemail he sends her a video message instead. She calls back to wish him safe travels. He tries to drag the conversation on, but she cuts him off, and something tells me this isn’t the first time Big Ed did something that’s hard to explain.
Meanwhile, over in Washington, Avery is noticing that her boyfriend with a doctorate in single-ladies only speaks jargon. She calls him, and asks pointed question to try and unravel this mystery.
Avery: Do you think we’ll have conflict being around each other 24/7.
Ash: If we have that soul connection, you will always agree with me.
Avery: Why did you and your ex breakup?
Ash: We harmonized our synergies, but couldn’t converge on an elevated psychic plane. I’m optimistic about our potential in space.
Avery: Soo she’d be okay with you taking her son out of the country?
Ash: Do you know about synchronicity? There’s a way he can be in two places at the same time, if you just open your mind.
Avery: Sometimes I think you just say what I want to hear.
Ash: This is what you want to hear? I can feel our soul connection pulling us forward, towards otherworldly transmission. Also, give yourself over to pleasure, in a way that aligns with my heterosexual male expectations.
Avery: Omigod this is just like working at Google.
Later on, Avery heads over to her parents’ house to confess her long-distance love, and her plans to drop both children on the doorsteps of their respective fathers before flooring it to the airport. Her mother, who is possibly my #twinflame, demonstrates perfect resting bitch face, thinly concealing simmering distrust and desire for isolation. Mother Avery does not say, “I’m not one to judge anyone…” she just gets right to the judging, and I enjoy that language economy. Avery starts unfurling her latest romantic adventure, and her mom questions how much relationship she can have with someone she’s never hung out with, and scoffs when their relationship is described as “dating.”
Mother Avery: Don’t you have kids?
Avery: Not on this show I don’t.
Grandma: Aren’t there any fellas in Washington?
Avery: Yes, but none of them are allowed to leave the Amazon parking lot.
Mother Avery: Well, they can’t all be a big deal in the cannabis business. Is it time for you to go yet?
Avery: Well…
Mother Avery: I think it’s really weird that people even exist on the internet. Do they disappear when you turn it off?
Father Avery: I am the dad.
Avery: Obviously I’ve been through a lot of crap in the past, but I didn’t learn from any of it.
Mother Avery: Hmm.
Scene.
Yolanda is in desperate need of Mother Avery’s wisdom as she’s buying her plane ticket one week before she heads to England. This is one of those moments where I want production to step in and offer some education on thrifty airfare. Daughter Kara comes downstairs to help with the hotel and flight selection. Yolanda is used to planning vacations with her dearly departed Duane, and she’s unsteady on her feet doing it herself, save for text check-ins with her Yahoo boy. Yolanda reports that Williams was excited to learn she lives in Las Vegas, but was short a few hundred dollars to buy the ticket to see her. He then got upset that she didn’t give him money, but eventually said it was fine if she wanted to visit him instead. He tells her to fly into London, but doesn’t know the name of the airport, so he tells her that he’ll text her later. Kara finds this fishy, and when he texts he says she should fly into London, and then they’ll take the train two hours to Manchester. When Yolanda protests, he changes his mind and says she should fly into ASP Manchester LTD…which is the name of a recruitment office. She tries calling him back to clarify, and he won’t answer the phone. You have to be hurting or Nicole to not notice this scam.
Nicole: She’s hurting, and Azan and I are getting married.
Oh yeah, Geoffrey. At some point he attempts to milk empathy from a horrified audience, before boarding an airplane to make someone miserable in Russia. Despite the presence of unspeakable evil, the plane doesn’t crash, and somehow all the passengers sharing space with Voldemort when the Hellmouth opened made it out alive. Varya’s friends talk her out of sharing a hotel with him, and teach her how to blink SOS to the hotel manager. They are understandably worried about Geoffrey’s expectation for her to “bring him happiness.” Instead, she brings a natty yellow suit to the airport for the spinning camera trick, which in the future should be replaced with putting both parties on a merry-go-round while challenging them to stay on as it goes faster and faster. They’re both awkward, because Geoff’s barely recovered from his last violent crime, but they still manage to navigate this romantic exchange:
Varya: My friends are worried about me.
Geoffrey: WHAT HAVE THEY HEARD?
(Scene.)
NEXT WEEK Darcey gets ferocious at the gym while Tom attacks the dance floor, we finally meet the same sex couple we’ve been waiting for, Yolanda begins to stitch together that she’s been catfished and that accent isn’t British, and Big Ed and Rosemarie meet, and since it’s been hyped as a dud, you know she’s going to be fine with his looks.
Thank you Patreon supporters!
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2020.02.27 20:10 EricaShmericaOFF Before the 90 Days of Our Lives, episode 1

Geoffrey & Varya: Geoffrey (though I keep calling him Joffrey in my head ala Game of Thrones) is a seemingly normal looking guy from Tennesee with a bit of a past. He has been married a few times, has 3 kids by two different women, and suffered extreme heart break losing his young son. He met Varya from Russia online on an international dating site. She is described to be a radio personality and career driven woman. Geoffrey goes to visit some random older woman he knows from Russia with a really nice house to discuss his upcoming visit to Moscow. Olga, the token Russian friend, looks like her head got stuck in an oscillating fan, and they were able to salvage one lone piece in the front before taking a dull knife to hack the rest of her hair off, freeing her from said fan. Besides Olga's confusing hair and her beautiful kitchen, it sounded like her only other purpose was to tell Geoffrey to be weary of Russian women speaking English in a "takes one to know one " kind of way. The previews seem to look like Olga might be right...
Big Ed & Rosemarie: Cue the fun surf music, it's finally time to meet self proclaimed "Big Ed", a 53 year old photographer from San Diego (or as Anchorman would say, the "Whale's Vagina"). Big Ed seems to be a fun-loving guy, though he stands at a whopping 4'11" and sports a slightly egg-shaped physique. Ed has a 29 year old daughter Tiffany, who he's very close with from his previous marriage, which ended because HE was unfaithful to HER (Possible Napoleon complex much??). He seems to be pretty confident with himself despite being vertically challenged and seems like a lot of fun, though it's hard to get a full read this early in the game- so far I like him. He shares his life with his tiny dog, Teddy, who has the coolest spaceship looking backpack that he rides in while tooling around town on Ed's Vespa. Although Teddy is his ride or die, he decided to look for love on the interweb and found Rosemarie, a 23 year old girl from the Philippines. Rosemarie is a single mom to the son formerly known as Prince, and lives with her family who are super poor. Ed has become best buds with the UPS staff, as he's there weekly shipping random things to the Philippines as gifts, but also to help make his stay more comfortable (i.e. he requires 1000 thread count sheets for his super sensitive skin, which in conjunction with shipping, may cost as much as her rent for the month). We got to meet Ed's mom, Norma, who doesn't love the idea of Big Egg venturing to meet Rosemarie. Sounds like daughter Tiffany is also upset about it, as she hasn't spoken to Ed since finding out. Ed apparently takes great pride in his long scraggly hair, and performs an entire scene where he does a DIY hair mask by applying mayonnaise to his head with a spatula, to avoid harsh chemicals while also getting that Hellman's glow. As a haircare professional, I can't really speak on what this does for your hair, other than make me want a Turkey sandwich. After salon time, Ed hops on video chat with Rosemarie, where they just kind of smile at each other and she told her son to call him "daddy", which was a super cringey moment. Ed tried to ask Rosemarie if she was talking to other people, primarily Americans online, to which her Skype magically stopped working. (She didn't even have to say she was from Finland). Ed is definitely enjoying his time in the spotlight, so good for him. This story should be interesting, and if nothing else, entertaining.
Baby Girl Lisa & Assman/Sojaboy: The intro to Lisa was the most impressive in 90 Day History. She was in the process of getting a full body wax in preparation for her big trip to meet Assman aka Sojaboy, her 30 year old Nigerian boyfriend. Apparently Asprin is some famous Nigerian singemovie star, but the only celebrity in Nigeria that I'm familiar with is Angela. Baby Girl Lisa spends her days trolling Assman's social media for heart emojis, telling him to "tighten it up" when it comes to the other women. Baby Girl Lisa (who will now be known as BGL because I'm lazy and don't want to keep typing it out) and Nikki sat down over iced frappa-somethings to discuss Lisa's journey to meet her Nigerian superstar. I thought Lisa and Nikki were sisters, being that they had the same crunchy Depp gel hair and kind of look alike. I couldn't stop staring at Nikki's tattoo of a floating Marilyn Monroe face and matching "Monroe" piercing. Nikki tried to bring BGL back to reality by mentioning that she can't possibly marry this guy without having met him in person, and experiencing him biblically (I'm going to dance around this portion, as I hope to one day stop gagging). BGL is not worried about their physical interaction as she has a "secret weapon"; She is going to let Assman get the love without the glove, something he claims to have never experienced previously. She also tells Nikki that she had him tested for AIDS, which hopefully included a slew of other STDs she will most likely be experiencing in her near future. Nikki seemed skeptical, but BGL threatened to make her listen to the "I'll go there for you baby girl Lisa" song Assman wrote her for the 100th time, so she kept quiet. I'll admit the song is very romantic and catchy, and convenient that you can just autotune anyone's name in whenever you feel like they might be your ticket to the U.S. I just cant wait to see his disappointment when he realizes that York, PA and New York are two different places.....
New Avery & Ashtray: Well, her name may be Avery (Just glad this one isn't thinking of going to Syria), but she reminds me of Deavan from 90 Day The Other Way. New Avery is a single mom of two living in Seattle. After her last relationship didn't work out, she moved back to Seattle to start over with her daughters and persue her passion of putting pot leaves in salad. (This is why I stay away from salad, it could be illegal). She also works with her ex boyfriend who's a big pothead or big in the world of cannabis or something I don't fully understand. She tells her ex/weed dealer about Ash, her new online love from Australia. Ashtray is an Instagram "relationship coach", who specifically coaches single women. On Instagram. Sounds legit to me! This may be the best scam yet, as he can just say all of his texts and messages from single women are work related and theoretically mean it, while flirting with them for money- genius. She's actually a really pretty girl and could easily find another guy who enjoys weed that likes to talk to other women on the internet right here in the states (Michael from Love After Lockup, for example, and he's always taking applications). I'm guessing this is why they've already broken up 3xs in their 9 month long distance relationship. Avery should hire Baby Girl Lisa to troll his page for heart emojis.
Yolanda & A random stranger that doesnt have a British accent: Yolanda is a 51 year old power walking, widowed mother of 6 from Las Vegas. After losing her husband of 30 years to kidney disease (and jail? That was confusing...they breezed right over that whole thing), she decided to lose a bunch of weight and post cute selfies online. This is when she met Williams, a random guy using a body builder's picture to scam ladies online. Yolanda loves his sexy British-Nigerian accent, and his thoughtful use of emojis. Her kids, on the the other hand, are spotting the red flags left and right. Her three sons (2 with rhyming names and all three with weird 80's mustaches), were questioning Yolanda's relationship, especially upon hearing she was venturing to England. I'm guessing this is going to be another Caesar situation, but maybe there will he a Catfish plot twist. Do we end up watching her have a fun time in England with her daughter, or do we need to call Liam Neison and his special set of skills? To be continued...
Missing from this episode were Darcey and Tom and a whole lot of crying. Also to behold in the future is the first same sex couple, who both have fabulous hair, and the 40 year old virgin.
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2019.03.15 22:11 UBAI_UNIVERSITY Cryptocurrency Investors

Hello! My name is Mihail Kudryashev, I am a frontend engineer at Platinum. We are a an international STO/IEO/ICO/POST ICO consulting, promotion and fundraising company with huge experience in STO and ICO marketing and best STO blockchain platform in the world! Learn more about it: Platinum.fund Our company gained popularity after launching the world’s number one online university with only practical knowledge on crypto economics. Now you can learn how to create and develop your own ICO and STO, how to market your campaign and make it super successful. Who are cryptocurrency investors? What drives people to invest in cryptocurrency? Read the extract of the UBAI lesson to get all the answers.
Introduction to the Investors §2
In 2017, the total cryptocurrency market capitalization was approaching $850B which begs the question:
Why are investors turning to cryptocurrencies?
A survey by Blockchain Capital indicated that at least 30% of millennials would rather invest in bitcoin than invest in traditional stocks. Cryptocurrency investors, like traditional investors, expect a return at least proportionate to the risk they take. Due to the fundamental lack of regulation, incredible volatility and astronomical relative risk, many cryptocurrency investors expect to earn meteoric returns. Returns in the ranges of multiples from 200% to 1000%.
Let us first begin by examining the kinds of people who invest in cryptocurrency, and then let’s see the reasons why each of them is investing in this relatively new market.
Types of Investors
The “Newbie” Cryptocurrency Investor
This investor is just starting out. They probably have not had any significant experience in any form of investing before and bitcoin is their first experience. They have heard about people making incredible returns from cryptocurrency investing, or some aspect of the entire blockchain and crypto revolution attracts them, and they decide they want to invest too.
Unfortunately, most of the newbie investors will end up losing their money, primarily because of one specific misconception; they think cryptocurrency investing is an easy way to make huge profits. “ “Types of Investors §2
“Gambler” or “Get Rich Quick” Investor
This is the second class of cryptocurrency investor, and is actually not really an investor at all.
This type of person is out to make a fortune as fast as possible. They will fall for whatever sweet-sounding scheme they hear. They love ideas that promise to double or triple their investment quickly. Like the Newbie, they do not understand how cryptocurrencies work, and they don’t care. The difference between this kind of investor and the successful individual or professional investor is that the gambler does not care about the management of risk, or about the timing of trades.
They place their money on the table, and they hope it will make a good return. They are gambling rather than creating an investment thesis and executing a well-thought out strategy. They might even have an infectious positive attitude, but unfortunately it is not backed by knowledge or the due diligence required to be a successful investor.
A good example of this style of thinking, outside of cryptocurrency, is high yield investment plans (HYIPs) that promise to multiply an investors capital by a certain factor. This is not to say that all HYIP programs are scams, but a good number of them are. Most importantly, the investors who flock into such plans have similar characteristics to that of the Get Rich Quick investor in that they will not take the time to learn about the field in which they are investing. They are just looking for fast money and an overnight success. “ “Types of Investors §3
Short Term Traders (Day/Swing Traders)
Short term traders must, without a doubt, be the most knowledgeable investors if they are going to succeed at their chosen profession. They have, or they should have, studied the art and science of trading more thoroughly than other people. This is the kind of investor who has taken the time to learn about cryptocurrencies and the markets on which they trade. Short term traders create deliberate and timed strategies in an attempt to profit from fast market movements. Maybe many of the short term traders started off as Newbies, but these are the individuals who took the time and effort to learn about the market. They wanted to know what they were doing. These are the people who survived and thrived to grow into the type of trader that they want to be.
Interestingly, the Day Trader does not attach emotion to any given coin. They do not need to believe in the sustainability/whitepapevision/road map, etc. of the project they are buying into at any particular time. They just need to be confident about the direction and timing of the potential price movement of the coin. “ “Types of Investors §4
Long Term Investors/ Hodlers
A great majority of successful cryptocurrency investors can be most properly classified as Long Term Investors, or HODLers in true crypto terminology. These are investors who understand quite a bit about cryptocurrency and blockchain technology and believe in the sustainability of the coins in which they are investing.
Think of the first few investors who bought bitcoin in the early days and years, when it was still deep under the radar for most people. These are the people who believed in the blockchain and cryptocurrency revolution. They didn’t sell their bitcoin for fast profit, although they had many chances to do so. They knew what they were doing, holding for the long term. These early investors and HODLers enjoyed astronomical growth all the way up to 2016 and 2017. But to be a long-term holder despite all the bad news and negative factors surrounding this brand new asset class, they must have really believed that bitcoin and the blockchain were going to change the world. This belief can only be established through study and research about the blockchain industry and the specific currencies and tokens in which you are going to invest.
Follow up and learn more on www.ubai.co!” “Types of Investors §5
Sophisticated/Professional Investors
These are experts in cryptocurrency investing. They most likely have a background in other forms of trading and investing, such as in stocks, bonds or options etc. They may also be earning fees by investing or managing money for other people.
The Iconomi fund managers are a good example. Each Fund Manager manages an array of digital assets. Investors might choose Iconomi because it offers a platform for the investor to allocate funds to specific fund managers, with the ability to swap between managers instantly if the investor desires to do so.
Each fund manager selects a number of coins in which they wish to trade or invest, with specified time horizons, short or long term. Investors can buy into the array of mutually held coins. This allows investors to utilize the knowledge and experience of professional fund managers to trade an allocated pool of capital, hopefully generating returns greater than the individual investor would be able to produce on his own.
The fund managers are motivated by the fees and commissions they earn, and perhaps a performance-linked bonus. You can certainly be properly classified as a Sophisticated Investor without any need to be a fund manager for other peoples’ money. But a professional fund manager has the ability to trade with a larger pool of capital, manage complicated risk, and diversify trading strategy to generate various streams of income. “ “Between Countries
A particular country’s participation in cryptocurrencies largely has to do with the legal regulations about blockchain projects and crypto currency investment in that jurisdiction.
When China banned the use of cryptocurrency, most Chinese nationals had to withdraw their investments. Many other countries have also placed bans on the use or trade of cryptocurrencies. Countries like Japan that have allowed the use of cryptocurrencies have witnessed a significant rise in cryptocurrency investments as a result. Japan and South Korea are home to several high-traffic cryptocurrency exchanges, meaning that a notable proportion of their population is investing in cryptocurrencies.
Another way to look at cryptocurrency investment demographics is to look at the bitcoin ATMs present in each country. The United States of America is the leading country, followed by Canada and then the United Kingdom.
According to a report by Google trends, the five top countries interested in bitcoin are: South Africa, Slovenia, Nigeria, Colombia and Bolivia.
Remember, cryptocurrency demographics can be a little tricky due to the anonymity involved. Many people may be afraid to participate in surveys, especially when their governments have placed legal restrictions on cryptocurrency investing.
The main point the research seems to validate is that the demographics of the cryptocurrency investor base is diverse. While the average investor may be a white or Asian male between the ages of 26-30 with at least a university degree, the entire investor base is so much larger than that. Many big investors are likely to be significantly older, and have connections and businesses in the traditional economy as well. “ “Notable Investors in Cryptocurrency
While many people have made fortunes from cryptocurrency investing, a handful of them stand out as being particularly remarkable. We will take a more detailed look at some of the biggest investment success stories to see how they did it and learn about their investing strategy.
The Winklevoss Twins
After being awarded their settlement from the lawsuit against Facebook, the Winklevoss twins decided to invest a significant portion of their money in Bitcoin. They invested $11million of the $65million they received. At that time, the price of a single bitcoin was about $120.
This high-risk investment paid off handsomely and they became the first publicly known Bitcoin Billionaires, perhaps owning more than 1% of the total bitcoin in circulation. In an interview with Financial Times in 2016, the twins jointly said that they consider “Bitcoin as potentially the greatest social network because it is designed to transfer value over the internet”. They also pointed out that compared to gold, bitcoin has equal or greater foundational traits of scarcity and portability. “ “Notable Investors in Cryptocurrency §2
Michael Novogratz
A self-made billionaire ex-Goldman Sachs investment banker, Novogratz has invested more than 30% of his fortune in cryptocurrency. In 2015, he announced a $500million cryptocurrency hedge fund, including $150million of his own money. Novogratz believes that “the blockchain, the computer code that underpins all cryptocurrencies, will reshape finance, just as the internet reshaped communication”.
The investment thesis of Mr. Novogratz is similar to that of the Winklevoss twins. He has taken and maintains a long-term position while he trades in and out of short term moves, based on his fundamental belief in the potential and likely application of the underlying blockchain technology. By starting an investment fund in addition to his other cryptocurrency related ventures, he is demonstrating a strong fundamental grasp of the technology, including its applicability and impact across so many industries. Slide
Barry Silbert
In December 2014 after the US Marshal’s office seized 50,000 bitcoins from the Silk Road, Barry Silbert purchased just 2,000 of those bitcoins at $350 per coin. A few years later of course, those coins were worth millions of dollars.
Barry is the founder and CEO of the Digital Currency Group (DCG) a cryptocurrency investment firm. Barry also made significant profits from Ethereum Classic, purchasing the coin in its very first days. He has invested in over 75 bitcoin related companies, including CoinDesk. As founder of the Digital Currency Group, Barry endeavors to support bitcoin and blockchain companies and accelerate the development of the global financial system. “ “Directly through Exchanges
Step One: Register on a reputable cryptocurrency exchange
To start investing, you first need to register on a reputable cryptocurrency exchange where you can buy bitcoin and other cryptocurrencies. Binance is a good exchange to use in this lesson. While it may or may not be the best, it is currently the largest, and they provide a very supportive layout and customer service department.
You should remember, to buy most altcoins (cryptocurrencies other than bitcoin), you specifically need to use an exchange like Coinbase or Kraken that allows you to convert fiat currency into cryptocurrency. From there, if you want to trade altcoins not listed on that exchange, you will have to transfer your BTC or ETH to a larger exchange like Binance, and buy the altcoin you want, using whichever trading pair that is best suited (BTC and ETH pairs are most common).
As we have already explained, if you are buying Bitcoin or any cryptocurrencies, you should invest in a wallet to safely store your coins. It is not advisable to store your BTC or other crypto on the exchanges for too long, due to hacking and other risks. “ “Directly through Exchanges
Step Two: Determine your Strategy
There are different ways to invest. You need to find a strategy that works for you and your specific set of skills. The value of a cryptocurrency is not defined by a formula or something out a textbook. If everyone was able to calculate the actual value of a share of stock, for example, or a bond, or other tradeable asset, then the price on an open market exchange would never move. Buyers and sellers would know exactly how much the asset is worth, so there would be no reason to sell lower or buy higher than the actual value.
You need to come up with your own ideas and strategies to take advantage of market moves. Sometimes you will have a position that is contrary to the general market. Other times you might be trading in agreement with a majority of other market participants. Investors are basically separable into one of two groups of thinkers. Contrarian investors go against the crowd, swimming against the current; Momentum investors ride the wave feeling secure in the majority. Being different can be good or it can be bad. You do not always want to necessarily get caught up in the most crowded trade. “ “Things to keep in Mind
Bitcoin Futures
We need to mention the bitcoin futures market as another potential way to invest. Toward the close of 2017, Bitcoin started trading on two fully recognized and well-established futures markets; the Chicago Board Options Exchange (CBOE), and the Chicago Mercantile Exchange CME.
The key quote from the exchanges was “because the futures can be traded on regulated markets, it will attract investors, making the market liquid, stabilizing prices and it will not suffer from low transaction speeds of Bitcoin Exchanges.”
For a risk averse investor, this offers a safer entry into cryptocurrency investing. A futures contract commits its owner to buy or sell the underlying asset, BTC, at a set price, and at a set date in the future. The investor in the futures contract does not actually own the underlying asset, but rather is trading on fluctuations in the price of the asset over a certain timeframe, as specified in the futures contract. “ “Things to keep in Mind §2
Common Pitfalls We cannot conclude this lesson without one more look at the common pitfalls a new cryptocurrency investor should avoid.
The problem areas are: -Falling for scams by failing to carry out due diligence. -Relying solely upon self-acclaimed crypto gurus and experts. If you want to trade, you must understand how to read news and charts for yourself. -Too much Greed. Not taking profit when you should. It is better to take a 20% gain, than wait for a 100% gain, only to lose it all in the end. -Lacking an investment strategy or exit plan. -Not sticking to your investment plan or strategy. -Allowing emotions to rule your decisions. Chasing your losses. -Investing what you cannot afford to lose.
And finally, some time-tested wisdom from Wall Street: Bulls make money. Bears make money. Pigs get slaughtered every time. (Don’t be greedy!)
We cannot overemphasize the risk involved in cryptocurrency investing. The potential to make huge gains over a short period of time does not come without risk. There is no doubt that significant players in the global financial markets are entering the cryptocurrency markets too. We are likely to witness more and more government authorities trying to regulate cryptocurrencies, hopefully to the overall benefit of a healthy market. It seems safe to say we will see cryptocurrencies become more mainstream due to the intense interest from the traditional financial industry and institutional investing community all over the world. What are better ways to successfully invest in cryptocurrencies? Which pitfalls should you avoid? Learn all on successful ICOs and STOs after reading the full lesson: UBAI.co How to start your STO/ICO campaign in 2019? Contact me via Instagram, Facebook, LinkedIn to know more about our education: Facebook LinkedIn Instagram
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2018.08.05 20:05 phormix The Nigerian king

Agnes, a middle-aged New York widow is feeling very lonely one day, so she decides to bite the bullet and try internet dating. Her initial attempts don't go very well, as most of the contact she receives varies from dick pics to guys asking for nudes. She's about to give up when one day she's contacted by a very polite, kind seeming gentleman named Odaka from Nigeria. They chat for weeks, even video-conferencing, and she eventually discovers that he is actually a king is his country and that his former spouse had also passed some years before. All the woman's friends warn her that the relationship is probably a scam, but the man seems so earnest that she ignores them.
One day, her online paramour announces that he is coming to visit her in the USA. Her friends insist that they accompany her to the airport when she meets him, still mindful of scams. To their surprise, the man arrives in a private jet with a royal entourage. He is indeed a king!
Feeling embarrassed, they do their best to make up for their doubt and fully support the couple. Agnes and her lover have a great time. He loves America and is in wonder with some of the big city. Despite being king - he explains - he has never left his home city, which is not very large and is quite isolated. Agnes and the king move in together and are very happy.
After awhile, though, the relationship starts to feel strained. Odaka is becoming increasingly distant, and seems to be very unhappy.
Worried, Agnes asks him what's wrong, but he half-heatedly assures her all is fine.
This goes on for awhile, and finally the friends intervene.
Is something wrong between him and Agnes, they wonder.
Odaka assures them that Agnes is the more lovely woman he's ever known, and that it's not her fault
Worriedly, they ask if their previous distrust has driven a wedge between the couple, but Odaka tells them that he understands and that he is very happy with the support they've given them since his arrival.
What then, they ask, is the problem.
Well, he tells them: "Agnes is incredible, and her friends are all very nice, but..."
The friends press him for an answer, worried that he may have a potential health issue or some other serious problem. Finally, he tells them:
"New York is a wonder and America a great country, but..."
"I miss the reigns down in Africa!"
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2018.08.02 02:13 grlonfire93 I finally stood up to QOGT

I can't show pictures of the conversation without showing her name or others names, so I'm going to have to write it out. I had found two new Facebook profiles for the guy that has been scamming her, on one of them he links a completely different dating site than the one he met my mom on, and you can't see his friends in his friends list but you can see who likes his pictures and all of them are from Nigeria, and all are "self employed" I gave her the links to his new Facebook profiles and gave her the links to his Nigerian friends profiles. This is how the conversation went.
A little side note, I finally decided to do this because when I got the messages from her this morning and the conversation started I got a braxton hicks contraction and a sharp stabbing pain in my lower right side and I just decided I can't keep stressing myself out about this.
Me - "His Nigerian friends also have "friends" on their facebook who are United States Military members, except how the hell does a united states military member know anyone from nigeria. The answer is they dont. They are all using their real profiles and their fake profiles with their fake images to be friends together on facebook."
QOGT - "How did you find this out"
Me - "I just looked it up"
QOGT - "Where" QOGT - "grlonfire where did you find this"
Me - "Where did I find WHAT? Mom? It's not hard to see the truth when you arent avoiding it."
QOGT - "We're did you find it!!!!" (The spelling is hers not mine)
Me - "how about you answer my phone calls" (I had tried to call her because explaining the whole process of how I found all of this was going to be a pain in the ass and it was early and I was half asleep)
QOGT - "How about you tell me right here where you found your information?!!!
Where?because I'm in love with this man!
Tell me or show me because this is killing me!!!!!"
QOGT - "I want to stay in bed and never come out ever!!!!"
Me - "Mom, you're acting like a child. I'm not going to sit here and play party to your little cry me a river games. You put yourself in this situation and I'm not going to feel sorry for you being in it."
QOGT - "I want you to tell me where you found your information at.I don't want your pity.I want an answer"
Me - "how about you call me and talk to me on the phone about it"
QOGT - "Because you talk over me and I don't get to say nothing.Now where did you find the information!!!!!" (I talk over her because she interrupts and talks over me)
Me - "I'm not talking to you any further until you call me like a big girl"
QOGT - "Im off here"
Me - "You know why you won't call me? Because you don't want to have to admit to me that you've been giving him money. You don't want to have to admit to me that you don't have the money to come see me."
QOGT - "Is that what this is all about.I bought cards to talk to him.And he was going to give me back my money for them."
Me - "Yeah and if you had decided to actually talk to me about any of it I would have told you that's another type of scam that is out there.Why do you need to buy calling cards for a man who is supposedly a millionaire. Not to mention, I bet you didn't even buy calling cards. I bet he needed you to buy him prepaid credit cards because his phone doesn't work with calling cards or some other kind of bullshit. ITS A SCAM and everyone around you can see it but you can't. You are living in a fantasy world."
Me - (I decided to try to scare her since she's gullible anyway.) "It doesn't matter. I've reported all of this to the FBI's internet crime center and I've also reported it to the QOGT's town police department.
You can't pay your electricity bill because you gave him all your money. Don't sit here and lie to me and act like it was no big deal that you sent him those cards."
QOGT - "He is also giving me the money for my trip to see you.He is coming to see me on my birthday so I will see him and get the money." (He's "attempted" to meet her 4 times before this and has never shown up)
Me - "BULLSHIT
he's not going to give you anything mom."
QOGT - "Implying my light bill with my check this week" (she meant I'm paying)
Me - "When the time comes that you have to call me and tell me that you can't come out here to visit me because you gave all your money to a scammer, that will be the time where I tell you that I want you to seek professional psychiatric help. If you don't, I have no need to talk to you anymore. Just because you have the ability to pay your light bill with your check this week doesn't mean that it's okay that you blew all your money from before on him.
You don't get it. This guy told you that you were going to have to choose between me and him and you know what you did? You chose him."
QOGT - "What I do with my money is my business"
Me - "You don't see how any of this is affecting the people around you. You're so stuck in this idea that he's going to pay you back that you jeopardized your trip to come see me, which shows me that you don't give a shit about me. So I'm done mom.
You're right. What you do with your money is your business, and whether or not I ever talk to you again is mine. Don't come to visit me there's no need."
QOGT - "insert my sister's name has been talking to you"
Me - "I've been talking to everyone in your life. Including people at church.
Because everyone is worried about you and everyone can see what you can't."
Me - "Seek professional psychiatric help, talk to boss #1 and boss #2 about where you can do that. They will help you. Stop talking to this person who is scamming you, and grow up. Otherwise I will block you out of my life the same way that I did dad."
Me - "I have to go take care of my daughter. I would never put anyone above her. She needs my attention. Have a good day"
She never responded and our conversation ended there. I called my brother to let him know I had opened the flood gates and I called my sister to make sure that she checks up on our mom occasionally since I basically just ripped her heart out, because even though it's for her own good I still don't like that I had to do it.
The reason I never told her specifically how I found the information is because I had already sent her all of the links and no matter what I tell her she never believes it, so I'd be wasting my time. I also wanted the ball in my court. I wasn't going to let her guilt trip me about the situation she has put herself in.
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2018.07.25 18:53 princesspotto My sister [26F] and I [23F] don't trust my mom's [47F] boyfriend [47M].

My mom has been in a long distance relationship with this guy for about a year now. He works for a well-known multilevel marketing company and according to my mom he's a successful and well-respected businessman who travels a lot for work. She invited him to come stay at our apartment for a few weeks. Sis and I felt uncomfortable about it since we don't know him, but we didn't really have a say in it.
He arrived a few days ago, said hi to us, and the first thing he did after putting his stuff away in his room was sit down on the living room couch and ask for the wifi password. My mom doesn't know it so she told me to give it to him. I said "ok I'll get it" and started walking to my room to grab the piece of paper with the wifi info on it because I don't have it memorized. This happened right in front of him but right away he asked her a second time. She responded by telling him that I was grabbing it. He ignored what she said and then looked at my boyfriend (my bf was over that day) and asked "do you know the wifi password?" I thought it was really weird and kinda rude how impatient he was about it. We gave it to him and he spent the next hour on his phone, not interacting with any of us. I thought he would have at least made some small talk with us but he made no effort to get to know me and my sister even though we were all mingling in the living room.
Over the past few days he's been spending most of his time out on our balcony on "business calls." He barely speaks to me and my sister when we're home and also doesn't interact much with our two dogs. I've overheard my mom asking him if he wants to go out and do this or do that (e.g. go grab ice cream) and he refuses every time. He seems like a free loader at this point.
So my sister and I looked at his facebook. He's super active on social media- my mom on the other hand isn't good with social media or with the internet in general. His fb page is filled with inspirational bullshit and promotion for his products. This guy takes lots of photos and posts pics everywhere he goes. So we looked through his photos and noticed that my mom isn't in any of them. He brought her along with him on a "success trip" for his company to South Africa, and they also went to London together. While they were travelling she sent us tons of photos with her in them, so we know he took a lot of photos of her. But she doesn't make an appearance in any of his photo albums. His photos are all of himself or just scenery, as if he actively avoided posting any pictures of her. Another thing we noticed is that he likes to post photos of himself having dinner at restaurants, but the other person he's with is always not included or is cut out of the photo unless it's a group pic. Maybe he has multiple girlfriends?
This guy has managed to sell stuff to many of my mom's friends and also even recruited a couple of them into his company. My gut is telling me that he's just using her as a gateway into a new social circle so that he can make sales.
My mom is an extremely gullible and naive person, and she has a big heart. She's a vulnerable person so it's not surprising that she's not catching on to any of this. She tried online dating once and ended up sending money to someone in Nigeria because she thought she was helping a guy out. After finding out, my sister and I told her she was being scammed, but she was in so much denial and it took a long time for her to understand and fully accept what happened. She can be very stubborn and difficult to convince even when all the evidence is staring her in the face.
We don't know what to do. Anything we say will go over her head. She gets tunnel vision when she's dating someone. Should we give it some time to play out or should we say something? Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks!
TL;DR mom's boyfriend is sketchy. Several red flags suggest that he could be a con man and that he's just using my mom.
submitted by princesspotto to relationships [link] [comments]


2018.07.22 20:21 buidinh1803 Top 10 Internet Scams You Should Know and Avoid in 2018

1. Nigerian/ Ghana Emergency Scam

This is one of the most popular scams in online dating. Nigeria and Ghana are notorious for their scammers and hence most people probably wouldn’t pursue a relationship with someone from one of these countries. These scammers are well aware of this and therefore often pretend to be from the USA/ UK/ Australia/ Canada or some other Western country.
  1. Plane Ticket/ Visa Scam
This is a common ploy used by Russian and Filipino scammers to rob you off your money. The general storyline is she will want to come visit you but does not have enough money and will ask you to send her money to help pay for the plane ticket and/or visa. Once you do send the money however, it is unlikely that the visit will ever actually materialize.

3. Medical Emergency Scam

Another common scam one comes across in online dating is the medical emergency scam. Just when you think your online relationship is going really well, your online partner will be faced with some sort of medical emergency. Variations of these include them needing surgery they can’t afford, treatment for their son’s brain tumor or you may even get a call from someone pretending to be a doctor telling you your partner has been in a serious accident and you need to send money so they can start treatment. Sometimes, the scams are long and stretched out with the scammers attempting to get as much money out of you as possible by cooking up a variety of medical complications. Do not send money if you are in a similar situation because it is probably a scam. Again, most often these scammers will pretend to be a Western man but in reality they will be scammers based in Africa.

4. The Nigerian 419 Scams

This breed of scams has been around for a very long time and is known as the advance fee fraud. It has various names such as the Nigerian 419, Nigerian money offer, the Spanish prisoner etc. Similar to the Spanish prisoner scam where the scamster promises to share his fortunes with the victim in exchange for money to bribe the prison guards, the Nigerian 419 has fully come into its own thanks to the availability of email. A scam victim will usually receive an email making an offer of a large sum of money. The subject lines often read something similar to "From the desk of Mr [name]" or even "Your assistance is solicited". While the stories may vary slightly, the general plot then talks of a person (usually a corrupt government employee) who has come across a large sum of money and needs your assistance to get the funds out of the country. The money could be cash, gold bullion, blood diamonds, gold dust, checks etc. The sums usually run up to millions of dollars with the victim being promised a huge chunk of it for their "help". Like all scams, there is a last minute problem and you will be requested to send some money to ensure everything goes smoothly. Needless to say that is the last you will hear of your apparent fortune.

5. Fake Police Scam

It’s terrible being the victim of a scam and the first thing most scam victims do is contact the police in the hope they can actually catch the person who duped them. Sometimes scammers figure out you are onto them but instead of backing off, they take advantage of the situation by pretending to be the police. So say you have been duped by a Nigerian scammer and you contact the Nigerian police for help. You might get an email apparently from the Nigerian police telling you they have closed in on the scammer and need a payment from you before they can arrest him. This is definitely a scam because the police (no matter which country) will never request money to catch a criminal! Have a look at the email address – something like [[email protected]](mailto:[email protected]) obviously cannot be the official email address of the Nigerian Police.

6. Money Order Cash Requests

As opposed to some of the other scams, in this type of scam the fraudster takes their time to build a relationship with their victim. After a few months when the scammer is convinced they have formed a bond with their victim, they request the victim to cash some money orders and wire transfer the money to t hem (usually to Nigeria or Ghana). The scammer pretends to be someone from a Western country based in Nigeria for work and hence cannot cash the money orders. This seems harmless enough and most people don’t think twice about it. However, these money orders are often doctored so a $20 money order could have been washed and altered to show a sum of $2000. Once the victim cashes it and wires the money, the bank usually detects a forged money order and the victim is then liable for the entire amount while the scammer gets away scot-free and richer by a few thousand dollars.

7. Lottery Scam

Have you ever received an email or even an actual letter telling you you've won an obscenely large amount in a lottery you never entered? It's definitely a scam so please do not send them any financial details because you're just setting yourself up for a fraud or identity theft.

8. Phony Inheritance Claims

Similar to the lottery scam, these scams revolve around you receiving an inheritance that you previously had no knowledge of. There are a few variations of this type of fraud but the bottom line is they are all scams. Some will write to you telling you they are "estate locators" who have located a long lost inheritance for you. Others might be from someone in Africa claiming to have received a huge inheritance which they want to share with you if you can help them get the money out of the country. The scamsters will typically ask for your bank details so they can deposit the money into your account and once they have those details, they will rob you of your money.

9. Disaster Relief Scam

Every time there is a disaster like the tsunami, a tornado or an earthquake, millions of do-gooders want to do something to help the victims. Scammers take advantage of this by setting up scam charity institutions which rob the money that you wanted to send to the victims of the disaster. Scammers also attempt phishing by sending you donation requests via email where you can click on a link which then leads you to website designed to steal your passwords and other details.
Sometimes, scammers also take advantage of disaster situations by pretending to be a victim themselves. For example, an earthquake in the Philippines affects millions and the scammer sees this as an opportunity to ask you to help them during this difficult time. They will spin a story about how they have lost everything due to the disaster and tug at your heart strings. Yet, despite losing everything they seem to be an online dating site? Isn’t that a bit odd?

10. Business Investment Scam

Business investment is another popular lure scammers use to attract their potential victims. People want to use their savings for a worthwhile investment option. Solicitations for an investment scam can come via email, telephone or even in the mail. Offers include work-at-home jobs and other get-rich-quick schemes, gambling software, opportunities to buy "secret" shares and other too-good-to-be-true schemes. How do you know it's a scam? While there is no foolproof rule, it is best to avoid investing in opportunities that have been presented to you by someone who came out of the blue. When investing your hard earned money, it is important to consult with a financial adviser about the best course of action.
Source: internet
submitted by buidinh1803 to CryptoPolice [link] [comments]


2018.07.04 08:04 simplykarasco How To Apply For A Nigerian International Passport - learnnewstuff.com.ng

Are You looking to travel across the shores of Nigeria? Might be for a business trip, a vacation or maybe you are looking to study in a standard university abroad, well all these would be impossible if you do not possess a Nigerian International Passport. So how do i obtain this International Passport you might ask, simple, Just apply!!As the Nigerian International Passport is a very vital travel document issued to Nigerians by the Federal Government for the purpose of International travel, it is impossible to be cleared for any kind of travel without an International Passport. The International Passport along with other documents like a visa is needed by any individual to travel out of a country.

How to Apply for Nigerian International Passport

There are two ways via which a citizen can apply for the Nigerian International passport. One is through offline and the other way is through online. The full procedures and steps are analyzed below;

Applying For A Nigerian International Passport Offline

The Offline application is much more expensive than online application. You can decide to either go to the immigration office directly or go through an agent. But You must be very careful of agents because their are many fake agents just there to scam you. It is preferable for you to go directly to the immigration office, but if you need an agent to guide you, you should make sure to do a thorough check on the agent.
When applying offline you will be required to provide to the following documents for submission of copies to the immigration officer, The Documents include:

Applying For A Nigerian International Passport Online

With the ease at which things are done via the internet one will simply pray not too live in an age without the internet. Applying for a Nigerian International Passport online be done with your mobile phone right in your bed. To obtain your international passport online, there are few noteworthy guidelines to follow, and there are also few compulsory documents that would be required. The documents include:
Now To pay online, Carefully follow these procedures, after which you click and submit.
Though applying online is less stressful, It is faster to get your international passport in Nigeria using the offline method of applying.
If you meet an immigration officer physically, it would be easier to monitor your application process which in turn will facilitate you getting the passport in the quickest possible time.

Using your Validation Number

Immediately After payment, having obtained the “Validation Number”, immediately proceed to the NIS portal for confirmation of payment:
  1. Go to the “Query your Application Payment Status” and enter your Passport Application ID and Reference No.
  2. If a “Validation Number” field appears, simply enter the number from your ‘approved payment platform provider’ receipt. Remember: Validation Number has been generated after payment through Bank also.
  3. Click the “Search Record” button and you will be sent to the “Applicant’s Details” page where a date for your interview has been generated.
  4. You can now print a Receipt or an Acknowledgement Slip by using the buttons on this page. (You will need them for your interview).
  5. You will be presented with your NIS e-receipt or Acknowledgement Slip in a new window. Click on “Print” button to send a copy to the printer.

How Much Is Needed To Apply For The Nigerian International Passport

Now, applying for a Nigerian International Passport is definitely not free an amount of money is needed for the application depending on the age group of the applicant.
Here is a spreadsheet containing the amount required for the different age groups
The Following Tables list Passport Application Fees by Age and Booklet type.NIS PASSPORT FEE – APPLYING IN NIGERIA (NAIRA)Booklet TypeAGE 0 – 17AGE 18 – 59AGE 60+32 Pages8,75015,0008,75064 Pages20,00020,00020,000NIS PASSPORT FEE – ALL EMBASSIES, CONSULATES & HIGH COMMISSIONS (US DOLLAR)Booklet TypeAGE 0 – 17AGE 18 – 59AGE 60+32 Pages65946564 Pages125125125
NIGERIAN INTERNATIONAL PASSPORT RENEWAL
The amount of money required to renew an International passport is N20,000. If misplaced, you might be referred to the immigration head office at Abuja, to get a new one. Before you will be given a new one the following documents would be required for the passport renewal.
It is always advisable for one to apply for a new International passport rather than going through the process of renewal.

Contact Info For Immigration In charge Of Approving The Nigerian International Passport

The official website of Nigeria immigration is https://portal.immigration.gov.ng/
Support email: [[email protected]](mailto:[email protected])
Immigration help desk line: +234 (1) 2714449, 4542452
CSN Team
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2018.05.10 16:06 shadowehawke List of the Best Strategies to Avoid/Combat Romance Scams

Hello everyone, I’ve spent the past couple months researching various kinds of scams and how to avoid them.
I’d like to share some info here for the purpose of helping you guys avoid romance scams in particular, as they can be very nasty in terms of monetary loss and aftereffects as seen here.
  1. One of the quickest tells of a romance scam is the picture. Many times, for men and women, it will be of a member of the military. Pictures of these people elicit positive reactions because they are associated with strength, loyalty, and patriotism. The US Army has begun an initiative to combat this, due to the sheer volume of accusations against “soldiers” that have had their picture appropriated for scam use. They may use various lies to explain their inability to talk on Skype, or reasons they may need money while deployed. For pictures that are unrelated to the military, a reverse image search is always a good first step. It’s impractical to be suspicious of everyone online, but at the first sign of unease, look them up.
  2. Avoid wire transfers, package handling, and other unconventional means of providing assistance. While this occurs most often with scam profiles base in other countries, it’s important to know that these are all warning signs. The only financial investment one should make at the beginning of a potential relationship is on an activity or something together. There are very few, if any, excuses for needing money wired, passports paid for, airline tickets, etc. These may seem ridiculous to fall into, but romance scammers prey on those who are able to suspend their disbelief. You can be placed into jail for accepting a task such as moving an unknown package from one place to another, because the fake profile disconnects them from all liability once you’re the mule.
  3. Further along the line of victims, romance scammers prey on the lonely, depressed, generally middle-aged to elderly, and desperate. Companionship is a wonderful gift, and so tempting as to drive people to extraordinary means to obtain it. Because of the lonely aspect, these scams may happen in isolation, where the victim has next to no means to verify or get the opinion of another person. The internet is a great place, and this subreddit itself is a good tool to detach from the emotional allure, and be provided with an outside perspective. When presented with a request that is on the border of believable, check with others.
  4. Specifically, avoid Western Union, and relationships from those in African countries. Up to 80 percent of students in Nigeria have taken up scamming as a way of paying for school tuition. Furthermore, Western Union knowingly allows these large transfers of money, and some employees have even taken part in the scam (same source as above).
  5. Dealing with the aftereffects of falling victim to any scam can be extremely tough, but especially so with romance scams. Victims may experience legitimate PTSD, fall into or exacerbate depressive tendencies, and can be driven to consider suicide at the thought of the monetary and/or emotional toll taken. Therapy is available for those who are heavily emotionally affected by the loss. Additionally, federal and international agencies and corporations are interested in reports of scammers. While your money is likely gone, the information can be used to help in prevention of further losses incurred to others.
  6. Prevention methods include financial advisors, who can keep a monitor on your accounts for signs of scams. Often the money asked for will begin small, but eventually ramp to hundreds of thousands of dollars, or one of the unconventional tasks described above. Speaking with an advisor, even if you’ve already been a victim, may provide the aforementioned outside perspective, but this time in trained fashion. Also, there are websites such as Scamsurvivors.com that pose as targets for romance scammers. They try to glean all information available about the scammer, including which profile picture, email, phone number, etc that they used. They post these online so the results show up in search engines. There are multiple sites like this, and it’s a great idea to check them against your potential date.
US Fraud Reporting Resources
UK Fraud Reporting Resources
International Fraud Reporting Resources
Thanks Everyone!
TL;DR Look up names and profile pictures online, avoid wire transfers, passport/medical fees, and Western Union, as well as African countries. Get an outside perspective on the relationship or finances via family, the internet, or a financial advisor. Once a victim, therapy is available, as well as reports to government and international bodies. Do your research, and avoid all risk possible.
submitted by shadowehawke to Scams [link] [comments]


2018.04.02 02:00 garriusbearius Kramer encounters a Nigerian prince scam, but ends up making money from it. Jerry has cut the cord and now uses a streaming stick for everything he watches, Newman keeps putting unwanted things on Jerry’s TV. George finds a viral video of Elaine dancing on Youtube. (Plot inside)

Jerry is watching baseball when his TV abruptly switches over to Rick Astley’s “Never Gonna Give You Up.” He’s gotten rid of his cable and uses only a streaming stick to watch all his TV content, and Newman has taken to putting content on Jerry’s TV that Jerry doesn’t want. Jerry’s frustration makes it clear that this isn’t the first time. As Jerry’s trying to switch back to baseball, Kramer bursts in and tells Jerry he’s been approached by a Nigerian Prince with an “investment opportunity.” Jerry informs him that this is obviously a scam, Kramer objects and calls Jerry cynical. Jerry tells Kramer that Newman has been putting stuff on Jerry’s TV, Kramer says that the same thing has been happening to him, and it’s driving him crazy.
Kramer gets in touch with the Nigerian man, who reveals that he’s based out of the Nigerian Consulate office in New York, and asks Kramer to come down to the office to visit him. Jerry advises Kramer against this move, but Kramer decides he’s going to do it anyway.
Meanwhile, George finds a video online of Elaine dancing at a recent party that has gotten over 1 million views in 5 days, and tells Jerry about it over coffee. While the two men discuss this, Elaine walks in griping about how she was just called the “little kicks lady” on the street and asked to do the dance by a group of 20-somethings. George shows her the video and Elaine is unhappy about her newfound fame.
Jerry is watching a movie with his girlfriend at his apartment when Newman Rickrolls Jerry again. Jerry is disgusted to find out his girlfriend loves the song, and begins to plot his revenge on Newman.
Kramer meets with the Nigerian man, who explains that due to an accounting error, there’s a large sum of money that can do a lot of good for the impoverished people in Nigeria, and he needs an offshore account to temporarily store the money. Kramer agrees, and tells Jerry about it. Jerry reads Kramer descriptions of a number of Nigerian prince-style scams, all of which have a very similar premise to Kramer’s situation.
At Monk’s, Elaine mentions that she’s been approached on the street again, and wonders if she should just lean into it. George encourages her to, and throws out some ideas for how she could parlay this into money and broader fame. Jerry tells the group about his girlfriend liking the Rick Astley song, George and Elaine encourage Jerry to dump her.
At Jerry’s apartment a few days later, Kramer tells Jerry he’s rich from the Nigerian man. The man kept a sum of $40 million in Kramer’s account for three days, then took it out, leaving $3 million for Kramer. Jerry believes this is just to give Kramer a false sense of security, and that he’s made a huge mistake. Kramer reaffirms his trust in the Nigerian man, and Jerry tells him he’ll be cleaned out by the end of the week. Kramer reveals that Newman has a date tonight, and he’s hoping he can bring the woman back to his place for a little action. Jerry begins plotting.
Elaine starts a YouTube channel of her own and posts a video explaining the “inspiration” behind the dance, hoping to capitalize on her internet fame. The video is viewed by thousands of people, who continue just making fun of her. Elaine gives up and decides to live with it.
Jerry decides he needs to break up with the woman, but he needs to make it seem like it isn't due to their disagreement on the song. He breaks up with her when he's dropping her off at her apartment after a date, and much to his surprise, she starts singing the song.
Jerry hears Newman bringing the woman back, who seems really into Newman. He carefully listens outside Newman’s apartment, and at the perfect moment when things are starting to get hot and heavy, Jerry connects to Newman’s Bluetooth speaker and begins playing John Williams’ Superman theme, ruining the vibe. Jerry and Newman agree to a truce.
Months later, Kramer receives a letter from the Nigerian man. The money has been used to provide water to a number of impoverished people, and build some roads for better transportation. There are a bunch of photographs enclosed of the projects the money helped accomplish, and many smiling Nigerians. Kramer still has every cent that was left in his account, and the Nigerian man expresses sincere gratitude to Kramer for helping him out with the money.
submitted by garriusbearius to RedditWritesSeinfeld [link] [comments]


2018.03.30 16:12 notyourmomscatfish My mother’s Nigerian catfish. (x-post r/twoxchromosomes)

I wanted to write this up so people are aware of how deep the rabbit hole can go, and how sophisticated these scams can be. I asked my mother’s permission to write about this, as it’s her story.
This year, my mother decided that she was ready to think about dating after her divorce, and I encouraged her. By the end of February she had “met” and was talking to a man online, who claimed to be Portuguese, and based in London. He had several natural pictures, and a Facebook account, as well as a company website as he claimed to be a business owner.
He was forthcoming about his life, said that he was a widower, and that he was ready to start dating again and make a commitment. My mum expressed some reservations about how strong he came on, saying that she felt he was looking for a wife, and she wasn’t interested in getting straight into a long-term relationship. But there wasn’t really anything immediately suspicious, no reason to think he wasn’t a real person; at this point I thought at worst he might turn out to be a narcissist or pick-up artist — especially when he negged her by asking about her health and, when she questioned why, stating that he wanted to be sure she could “keep up”. She attributed this, and his pushiness, to Portuguese masculinity. I thought he was an asshole. A real person, just an asshole.
They set a date to meet on March 17th. He was supposed to drive to her city to meet her. But a couple of days beforehand she told me that it wasn’t going to happen as he had to leave the country suddenly on business and fly to Kuala Lumpur. That struck me as odd, but not totally implausible, especially as they pushed back the date to Easter Monday, April 2nd. I was supposed to visit over Easter, so she told me about this in advance. On Wednesday, March 28th, she told me that they might not meet after all, as he had been delayed abroad. This is the moment that I started to suspect that she was being catfished.
Yesterday my suspicions were confirmed, and we discovered how extensive this scam was. I arrived for my Easter visit, and my mum asked if we could get coffee so we could talk some things over. She said, “I feel that I am being scammed for money on the internet,” and instantly I thought of this man. She told me that he had asked her for £2,000, claiming that his wallet had been stolen in Kuala Lumpur and that he had no money and was unable to fly home. This is why he couldn’t meet her.
She found the fact that he was asking her for this money suspicious and didn’t send him any but when I talked to her she still thought there was a possibility he was being truthful. She said that she wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. I told her that I was certain he was not a real person, and that, even if he were, “you don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who feels it’s appropriate to ask you for money like this”. At the café, I took out my laptop and started to do some research.
First of all, this catfish was sophisticated enough to use photographs that had no matches on Google Image Search or TinEye (for the most part — more on this later). One of the photographs he had sent to her privately was of him posing in Kuala Lumpur to corroborate his story about being there. In fact, the company website seemed detailed enough and contained enough information that for a while my working theory was that the company was real and the man on the website had had his identity stolen by the catfish. Then I saw that the contact telephone number for the company was the same as the number the catfish had used to text with my mum.
My next step was to use Google Maps to check out the addresses of the company. The London address turned out to be an apartment building with a Tesco Express; the Toronto address seemed to be residential. I started to think about how elaborate the website was and how implausible it was that someone would put that much effort into it and it occurred to me that the catfish probably just lifted text from the website of a legitimate company. I searched for some phrases that were used on the website. This is where things start to get wild.
I found multiple duplicate websites. The layout was the same, the content was the same, with two key differences: the name of the company was different, and the name and headshot of the CEO were different. The sole purpose of these websites was to legitimise the existence of the fictional men the catfish had created. It was on one of these websites that I found the only photo which did have a Google Image Search hit, unsurprisingly for a modelling agency. All of the websites had been registered in the summer and autumn of 2017, and all of them were registered effectively anonymously — except for one, which was registered to a name and address in Nigeria. This is where things get really, really wild.
I did a little more digging, searched his name, and his address, and his telephone number, and I found a bunch of other websites he had registered. Some of these seemed to have nothing conceivably to do with romantic catfishing, as they didn’t contain the CEO profiles. They were courier services (rooceanviews.com, intelliquickcourier.com, kudarfreight.com), pipeline engineers (jwilsoneng.com, which didn’t even bother to change one of the subheads from the company whose text they scraped: snelsonco.com), supplement companies (pmsupplements.com). It seems like there are energy and construction company scams which prey on job seekers; the courier scam seems obvious, as does the supplement company. In fact, some of these websites could be flytraps for multiple types of scam — for example, raigcompany.com and its many clones could target job seekers while corroborating the story of romantic catfish. There is also identical text from some of these websites on sites identified as scams operating out of Panama.
I guess what I’m saying is that this is a global operation. The websites I saw claimed to have company offices in the UK, US, Canada, and Australia, among others. The FBI says that this scam is run by criminal groups operating in Nigeria. That is, this is an offshoot of organised crime. It’s not just an individual posing as a catfish, it’s a whole scheme run by an organisation. It’s sophisticated and believable, especially if you are not internet-savvy, and if you’re lonely, and looking for a connection. The way this catfish operated was completely believable, texting about mundane day-to-day things, “love bombing”, playing on sympathies by talking about his deceased wife, talking about his son, and his dogs, and his work. On the face of it, his company website looked legitimate. My mum was suspicious that he was claiming to be a businessman and he wasn’t on LinkedIn, but how many people would even question that? I can totally see how someone who is vulnerable, and trusting, and kind could be taken in by this type of scam. When you think you’re building a relationship with someone of course you want to help them out when they’re in trouble. You want to see the best in them. You want to believe you’re making a real connection.
My current feelings right now are: I am glad that my mum has a solid support network, including friends and family, which meant that she was less isolated and less vulnerable to this type of scam, more inclined to be suspicious, and that she had people whose advice she could rely on; I am angry that someone toyed with her emotions in this way, and that this is happening to people every single day; I am upset about the anxiety she felt over the way he was pressuring her for money and the burden of guilt he placed on her when she thought he was stranded in Kuala Lumpur; I am worried that she is putting on a brave face and doesn’t feel allowed to express grief or pain over the loss of the relationship she thought she might have with someone who doesn’t really exist; I am glad that she is savvy enough not to be taken in by this type of scam; I am acutely aware now of the fact that as she ages she will only be perceived as more of a target by con artists of all stripes. And I want everyone to be aware of this kind of scam, and look out for their older relatives and friends — in fact, just look out for everyone. Anyone can become a target. It’s easier to see scams for what they are from the outside.
I have collated all the information I have so that my mother can report the scam. I have also emailed the legitimate websites I found whose information and layouts had been scraped by the scammer. My hope is that at the very least we can make this person or criminal group’s life more difficult for a while, if not have them identified and stopped.
submitted by notyourmomscatfish to catfish [link] [comments]


The biggest online dating scam by a instagram model from ... NIGERIAN Romance Scammer REVEALS SECRETS! - YouTube Warning: Here’s a typical Nigerian Romance Scam - YouTube Nigerian Scammer Secrets Revealed - YouTube Ghana Online Dating Scam (Scammer real picture) - YouTube Woman says she lost more than $1 million in online dating scam Online dating scam - Sue lost thousands - YouTube

  1. The biggest online dating scam by a instagram model from ...
  2. NIGERIAN Romance Scammer REVEALS SECRETS! - YouTube
  3. Warning: Here’s a typical Nigerian Romance Scam - YouTube
  4. Nigerian Scammer Secrets Revealed - YouTube
  5. Ghana Online Dating Scam (Scammer real picture) - YouTube
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Subscribe to BattaBox on YouTube: http://goo.gl/4dgy2r Support BattaBox on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/BattaBox The video you are about to watch is ... Ghana Online Dating Scam (Scammer real picture) 😎 SUBSCRIBE - https://goo.gl/emounL 💞Real dating site: https://ukreine.com/en 💥Service to check: https://antiarnaques.org/en The biggest online dating scam b... To learn more about how to protect yourself from scammers visit: www.consumer.vic.gov.au/scamsavvy With Valentine's Day just a day away, the FBI is warning of online dating scams. The bureau received more than 15,000 reports linked to romance scams last ye... Learn more: https://socialcatfish.com We got in contact with yet another lady involved in a romance scam. She thought she was talking to the famous Greg S Re... Learn more: https://socialcatfish.com (RE-UPLOADED VIDEO) *Original video was deleted We got in contact with a real Scammer from Nigeria! He was willing to t...